ESCAPE FROM THE BOTTOMLESS PIT -
Episode 1
Gazing into an empty space, reminiscing the painful moments, stream of tears flowing from my eyes,
How I wish I had listen to Ummy!
How I wish I had listen to Abu Aniifa!
How I wish I had listen to brother Abdullah!
I sob quietly and see no one to comfort me. I'm left alone to bear the pain because I've been told not to hurt myself but I never lend my ears to the sounds of caution! How pathetic I am!
"Who is going to sympathise with me?" I yell at the sky...
The memory is still as fresh as a morning milk.
It was three years ago when I finished my secondary school, I was just 15years old. Being a very young girl of beauty, every maturity sign unfolding day by day, I was very confident and equally proud of myself. Every morning after I dressed, I stared at the mirror, looked at my beautiful figure. I'm indeed blessed! The confidence was always overflowing in me. Verily! It was my time.
It was late night around 9, Ummy sent me on an errand not very far from our house.
"I give you only ten minutes to run there and come back" she spat on the floor, "you see this saliva? It mustn't dry before you return"
I ran in joy, I loved going out at night but Ummy was always against it. However, she had no choice that day. She needed it urgently and I was the only one at home. Going out at night made me felt lovely, it made me felt I was on cloud 9. There are always many guys hanging around on the street at night, I've got to make them check me out as usual. Only hearing them calling on me, I was always happy.
"Common baby, give me your number..."
"Alhaja, what's up! Please, be my love..."
"Hajia, wait for me and let's talk..."
Those are the words from those guys, they can't just take their eyes off my beauty! Ummy yelled at me to wear a long dress and put on my small head hijab only covering my head and neck but that didn't stop revealing my beautiful shape.
"They have to know I've got what it takes though I won't answer them..." I murmured as I walked down the road.
A guy who called himself Michael accompanied me trying to have my number, I didn't answer him neither did I say a word to him till I reached where I was going. Despite my dressing revealing I'm a Muslim, that brat still had guts to 'toast' me, I was devastated. After buying what I was sent to buy, I head back home. About to turn to the corner that led to our house, a voice called on me. Who could it be? I turned back to look, it was an unknown guy but how did he know my name? I was curious, so I waited up. This guy was really a sweet talker, apart from his handsome look, I fell for this sweet talk. We exchanged numbers after some persuasion though I gave him a hard time. I ran home knowing I was already late.
Ummy scolded me like I was adopted,
"Iwo náà tifé bèrè ìrìkurìn, àbí? (You also want to start waywardness?) I won't let you to implicate me! I will never sit here and watch your live being ruined" she holler as she beat me.
When my brother returned from his evening madrasah, Ummy told him how I spent 45 minutes on an errand she sent me. My brother gave me a bad eyes, could have drawn a pant of my blood. I was almost peeing in my pant. He didn't beat me neither did he scold me and I was relieved.
I went to bed expecting his call, he said his name was Lukman. I had my pride, I didn't want to call him first even though I felt the urge to do so. I was already in my dreamland when I heard my phone rang, it must be him so I anxiously jumped to sit. I didn't know why I was feeling that way but one thing I understand was that I had fell for his sweet talks as well as him. I pretended not to pick the call at the first rang, so I waited till it rang again, I picked.
"Why are you calling me by this time?" I silently queried, tried to play 'hard to get'
He calmed me with sweet talks again, I blushed. I didn't want Ummy to hear I was recieving a night call so I talked silently. He asked me to be his girlfriend which I declined at first. After much persuasion, I told him to give me one week to think about it but he pleaded to make it three day.
"Baby, do you want me to die?"
"Why would you die?"
"Because of you, I can't live longer than three days without your YES to my proposal. You have meant my whole world. Please it shouldn't be more than three days."
Although I knew I was flattered but I still believed him. I already had my answer but I didn't want to become a cheap girl, what a fool I was! We ended the call after he said he loved me and I told him to keep it till I gave my answer. He sent me a very lovely message after I dropped his call. That wasn't the first time I received a love message; love messages were the only essay my school boys were good at and I never fell for any but that was the first time I sincerely accepted it. He really got me!
My brother chose not to talked to me in the house and I didn't even mind him. I thought I had found a love, someone I could rely on, someone I would like to spent the rest of my life with. He kept sending me love messages every morning and night, I used to had this silly smile on me whener I read it. It was indeed my time.
I said to him yes I do after the three days I promised and we started our journey of the so called love.
It was after three weeks. I was always busy with Ummy at shop during the day so I promised to meet him at night around 9pm. After Ishai, I quickly rounded up my chores in the house and I went into my room to pretend to sleep. So, I sneaked out when it was 9pm on dot. We met at the back of our house and he immediately hugged me - that was my first hug. We had some talks for some minutes, I told him I was going home before Ummy noticed my absence. As I was about to get going, he grabbed my hand, drew me close and passionately kissed me, my heart fluttered - that was also my first kiss! I was very happy, actually felt heavenly that if a horse could be ridden in my stomach, it would never gallop. Finally, I could felt such love as I did watch on Bollywood, Hollywood and Nollywood!
I ran back quickly to the house where I met my brother waiting for me outside. He knew I sneaked out!
He dragged me into his room and drew out his belt.
"It will be better for you not to shout. If Ummy hears you, I will double your punishment!" he instructed.
I held my lips with my two fingers, groaned as he flogged me. I entered my room and I started muttering as I cried,
"Am I not old enough to take care of myself? Are you the one that will take care of me when I enter University next year...?
While on this, Lukman called me in the midnight as usual and I reported to him on how I was flogged. He swore and cursed my brother, I wasn't okay with hearing him doing but I thought he deserved it so I didn't stopped him. Ummy barged into my room and snatched my phone,
"Who are you? Never in your life call my daughter again else you want me to curse you" she yelled at Lookman on the phone. "And you!" She raised her hand to beat me but withdrew it.
She seized my phone and left my room.
"What is really doing everyone in my family? Why can't they see I'm becoming an adult and I can now take proper care of myself? Is it a crime to have just a boyfriend that we only do talk on phone? After all, all my friends had boyfriends since we were in secondary school. Didn't I try enough? I'm just having only one boyfriend now and they are already on my throat. Are they going to marry me by themselves? What am I going to do?" I sobbed quietly till I slept
In the morning, before fajr solat. My brother, brother Abdullah came to wake me. He sat beside my bed till I was fully awake, he hugged me. He pleaded for what he did yesterday and said he just did it for my goodness,
"My goodness?" I think, "if you wanna do me any goodness now, it would be you should live my life alone and let me live it the way I want!"
"Since our Dad is no more alive, you know I'm you Wali. I'm like a Dad to you so I must protect you. I have some gifts for you when I return from work today In'shaa'Allah" he said.
I frowned my face and told him I had forgave and heard him.
Ummy abused me all day and threatened not to ever give me my phone. I knew his phone number offhand so I did went to a business centre to called him. He wanted to give me another phone but I declined because it could cause me trouble at home.
My brother arrived home in the evening with three pieces of qimar. I did love to wear qimar so I collected it.
"You are now a grown up my dear sister. There are many bad guys out there but if you use your qimar while going out they won't come your way because you are obeying Allah and He shall surely protect you. Remember dating is a sin in Islam even if you intend to keep it haram or halal. If you want to get married now just let us know. We will marry you off instead of committing zina and that doesn't stop us from discharging our duties towards you especially on your education." he said
I shook my head in disagreement, Lookman was just a fresh graduate as he told me and he said he wasn't ready. We can just date till he becomes ready, what is bad that becomes sin in that?
Ummy later gave my phone back to me because she needed to be communicating with me whenever she wasn't around.
"My daughter, those guys are just around to spoil young girls life. Don't fall for their trick. And they would also be the ones that label them leftovers in the nearest future." She advised after she handed me the phone.
"I won't answer those guys but I'm keeping Lukman either you want it or not. He had promised to marry me, what else? All I have to do is to keep it halal" I thought to myself.
My love for him grew day by day. I wasn't sure of how religious he was but most time he did call me, I did hear adhan and he did tell me he was at the Masjid. It was always in my plan to marry a religious man at least a man praying his five times daily prayer so I was always pleased.
After two months of our relationship, he invited me to his house which I didn't hesitate because I had trusted this man. I lied to my Ummu that I was going to be late at my Jamb tutorial class. I went there wearing my qimar, he stared at me for a while then later served me a drink. I didn't want to drink but he persuaded me asking if I thought he laced the drink, he took a sip to assured me which made me trusted him more. I left there unharmed so I was convinced and had confidence that I could be visiting him. I was leaving his apartment when Abu Anifa saw me with him while passing by. I was taken aback so I looked away like I didn't see him so he did the same.
Abu Anifa was my brother's friend. He came to our house the next day and asked to talk with me in private,
"My Sister, Do you know you are a Jewel?" I nodded and he continued, "I know you are 16 years of age and you are now a big girl! You're feeling on top of the world because you are a rising star. This is among the range of ages where every girls are always tested, the age when you are in the early stage of vizier in the category of childhood as said by Rasul salallahu alayhi wa sallam, the age of adulthood where you feel you can take care of yourself better than those adults that care most about you - 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21years of age! The age you are supposed to be most extra careful because the foundation you lay at this range of ages determines your adamant future. Girls shouldn't be allowed to experiment because a minor mistake could ruin your lives. If a man is left to experiment and he makes a macro mistake, he can still go back and start again but such opportunity is rare for female; the traces of the mistake will always be there and could hunt her down. Here is the stage where your body developments deceive you and make a fool of you while you think you are the most wise. Dating is haram in Islam, you should know that by now. Some say they would keep it halal but they always end up in doing haram. There is no halal dating as there is no halal alcohol because both are disobedience to Allah..."
All he said just entered my right ear and left in my left ear. I just had to listen else he would tell my brother. I thanked him and he went to his house.
After six month of our relationship, Lukman started talking about sex with me. I was angry but due to the love I had for him, I couldn't show it but persuaded him to let us keep it halal. He agreed on the first day but still kept talking about it. He said it won't be haram in as much as we promised to marry each other and he would surely marry me. We dragged the issue till our relationship became a year old. He later started complaining about stomach ache, he said it was because I was the the only one he was dating and he hadn't had sex for a year.
He called me one afternoon and complained the stomach ache had became severe.
"I was addicted to sex and I tried to keep away from it because of you but now I don't think I can anymore else you want me to do it with some other girl" he complaint.
I felt guilty and responsible but I still had it in mind that I won't give in for that.
"I have to keep my virginity till after nikkah and I will keep convincing and urging him to be patient with me" I tried to encourage myself.
I was rejoicing with Ummy about my jamb score. I scored 260 and I put in for Nursing and Midwifery, so my admission was sure. I was overflowed with joy and couldn't wait to share the success with him personally, also I wanted to check on him to confirm his illness. I told Ummy I wanted to go and collect my Jamb series textbook from a friend. So, I hurried to our usual meeting point that he called his house. I bought some medicine along from a pharmacy store. I saw him laying flat on the bed. I shared my joy with him but he wasn't concerned, he did look like he was sick. I offered him the medicines which he took then he started begging me to give him a chance. He said just once and he won't ask for more.
He threatened me with the love I had for him, "what matter most is the love between us, this shouldn't be a big deal since we love each other. Else you don't love me and you are planning to marry someone else!"
I tried to explain and subdue but all efforts were unavailing so I succumbed. Alas! I lost my virginity that very day!
He just asked for a chance but he didn't stop asking me for sex. He told me he had already done it once so it is the same thing if he kept doing it. He swore with our love and promised to marry me so I succumbed again. It later became frequent, not that I was enjoying it but I wanted to satisfy him. He used to give me a pregnancy preventing drug to use after we had it, I used to feel safe.
I could see changes in my body development but no one cares since I became more smater and I was never caught.
After six months of our sexual relationship, I noticed I couldn't see my menses for two consecutive months and I was having a morning sickness but I couldn't comprehend what it meant since I was busy anticipating my school admission lists.
"Finally I'm leaving this cage" I anticipated
Ummy noticed changes in me and asked me when I saw my menses last. I told her the truth and dragged me to a hospital for a test. I was confirmed positive. Ummy and my brother questioned me of the owner and I took them to his house. When we reached there, we were told it wasn't his house but his friend's house. His friend took us to his house and we met only his mother and a girl of likely 18 years nursing a baby. Ummy explained to her, she admitted it was her son doing so she urged them to release me for her that she would take care of me on behalf of my husband, my husband indeed! She told us the girl we saw was also married to him after he impregnated her,
"I know my only son and I believe he impregnated your daughter. Nkan eni kòkín diméjì, ká lùkan pa (we can't hurt one of ones property because it became two)" she said.
Ummy and my brother were very frustrated and sad. I sobbed because I felt betrayed and was very confused, so he had been lying to me and I never knew. I resented and cursed him. My brother couldn't say anything but was gazing at me as tears ran down his cheeks, my mother wouldn't stop wailing.
"Àfìgbà tóokóbà mi pooo (you have now ruin me completely)" she wailed, "How would I face Allah about you? Didn't I try my best?... Your school is now over, I can't waste more money on you..."
It may not be my own Lukman, so I thought. I had already locked myself inside my room. I took my phone and called him, he didn't pick my call. I text him some curses and I kept dialing his number till night fell. He later picked my call later in the night, I asked why he didn't pick my call and he said he didn't know what to say to me. I asked if he really had a wife and he affirmed it. I bursted into tears and I started crying again. He told me he didn't think he was the owner of the pregnancy since he always gave me a pregnancy preventing drug after we had sex. I couldn't believe my ears, is this the end of our love? I sobbed hardly.
I woke up early in the morning and went to his area. I had a friend there so I went to enquired about him. My friend told me he was one of the baddest guy on their street. She told me he doesn't pray, that there is a bar very close to the masjid where he does go, no wonder I did hear adhan! She told me he has many girlfriends and she knew most of them. I asked if he was really a fresh graduate, she told me he should be and everyone knew he was a cultist at school, she wasn't sure if he really graduated because she never saw him go for Service. "Maybe he was rusticated" she added.
I went home heartbroken. I couldn't imagine I'm the one that fell into this bottomless pit.
I reached home, Ummy had gone to shop and My brother had gone to work. No one at home except me.
"Ummy didn't even wait for me," I cried aloud
I sat outside the house gazing into an empty space. How I wish I had listen to them!
Thinking of how it started on that night, I sob. How shameful would I be if people learnt that I'm pregnant. What a shame on me!
I wish I could just turn the time backward!
What will be the reaction of Ummy if she heard he denied the pregnancy?
What would people think of me...?
I can't stand the thought, I rush into the house and found the rat poison.
"I would rather die than facing the shame" I sadly muttered.
Thinking of Ummy, I can't eat it. Thinking of the shame, I summon the courage somehow and swallow it. I roll over the floor helplessly as I can see blood running from my womb. If I had listen, even if I would die young like this, it would have been an honorable death. I hear my name being called from afar as I closed my eyes.
"Mar'yam...! Mar'yam...! Mar'yam..."
The voice keeps calling my name but I'm hearing it faintly. Verily, I have fallen into a bottomless pit whcere I can never b rescued!
ESCAPE FROM THE BOTTOMLESS PIT -
Episode 2
Opening my eyes,
"Where am I?" I ask myself as I look around the room.
"Hospital?" Seeing the needle and the blood drip, I'm convinced I'm in a hospital. "But why? I supposed to be dead! What the hell happened?" tears start flowing from my eyes, I'm crying again.
Enters Ummy, "you are awake! Alhamdulillah!" She says as she approaches me.
I turn my head to the other side, I don't want her to see that I'm crying. I'm now realizing how much I've done her wrong by trying to kill myself. She has been enduring a lot for us ever since the death of our Abu, I can't believe I wanted to pay her back with committing suicide. Poor Ummy!
She sits beside my bed and holds my hand but I still can't look at her.
"Mar'yam, turn here and look at me" she asks softly much like pleading.
I was trying to betray her, the guilt won't stop eating me. I turn to her but I can't help the increase in the flow of the tears from my eyes. I notice her eyes has become swollen, she must have been crying.
"Ummy, I'm sorry...! I'm very sorry! Ummy... I'm... sorry!" I weep with gaspy breath.
She takes the tip of her wrapper and wipes off my tears with it.
"You don't have to my dear. I think I'm the one at fault here, I shouldn't have been harsh on you about it. I thank Allah azza wa jal for returning you to me. How ruined would I have become? Loosing one of the two kids He has left with me. I wouldn't be able to live with it"
"Um...Ummy!" I cry aloud as she leans towards me and gives me a hug.
Ummy! She has always been the best of all mothers. Imagining how she felt when she saw me dying, my heart almost runs out from my mouth. I expected to be scolded but she is soft with me, after all I've put her through. She must have wailed, cursed herself and me or she must have silently sobbed and consoled herself with inna lillah wa inna ilaehi raajihun like she did eight years ago when she lost two of my siblings. Either one she has done, I can't believe I made myself her source of sorrow. Were children only born to suffer their parents? This unfolds from my memory the events that happened some years ago after the death of Abby when I was just six years old.
Abby was a very successful business man before he met his death 10years ago along Lagos-Ibadan express way in a motor accident. After his death, began the suffering of my family. Then, we were four children in the family, brother Abdullah, brother Abdulateef, Salamah and I, I'm the last child. Abby left no will because he didn't know he would leave sooner but it was said that he handed all of his properties to his only brother whom he nominated as his next of kin. As a kid, I wasn't surprise hearing that because I know he loved and trusted his sibling more than the family he made because they lost their parents at early age and all they ever had were themselves. Even though Abby was aware of his untrustworthiness. Abby might have thought his brother would do it all well with his family in his place but instead, it all went tragic. Uncle manipulated Abby's lawyer and made all the properties his except the 3 bedroom flat we are now living in. He promised to cater for us but it was just words on the tongue. Other members of the family tried to stood up and fought for us but they couldn't because they are distant relatives and our grandparents were long dead. All I heard was that he has the right papers that make him rule over the properties. Although It sounds weird, I still can't comprehend why it is so and Ummy will never talk to us about it. Anytime we or anyone wants to bring up the topic, she either shun or ignore us. Ummy who was a full house wife had to start working again, thank God she had little savings to start her foodstuff trade again. The days, months and years after weren't easy for us, whenever we went to uncle for our needs, it was either he came up with a story and bluntly told us he doesn't have or he promised and later failed us. Ummy remained silent about it until two years later when my brother, Abdullah wanted to do his WAEC examination. Ummy couldn't afford the whole fees and forced herself to ask uncle some amounts but she was turned down. She fought him that day and threatened to file a lawsuit against him. On the third day, brother Abdulateef and Salamah were returning from school when they were crushed on the road by a car. It was the day I lost my two siblings, the saddest moment of our lives. Uncle came to visit for condolence and silently threatened Ummy,
"If you don't retreat then be ready to loose all your children in this fight"
Ummy didn't wail but sobbed a little repeating the same statement over and over again,
"Inna lillah waInna illaehi rajihuun..."
She washed and shrouded them herself without allowing anyone to help. She became so silent and mute after the burial that I thought I've lost her to a different world, I was so scared. The day after, she woke up early in the morning and started sobbing again. Brother Abdullah and I tried to console her as we cried along but she kept muttering the same words "Inna lillah waInna illaehi rajihuun". She later rub off her tears and said to us,
"I believe this is Allah's decree and no one's doing... The Prophet (peace be upon him) already said a woman whose children died would be screened from the hell fire by them. I shouldn't be crying... Which of the bounties of my Lord will I deny?"...
"Ummy! I'm ruined, my life is ruined" I keep sobbing
"Stop it! Your life isn't and won't ruin, in as much as you are alive and healthy. This is just a bent and not a cut, so you are the one to choose how straighten you want it to ever be again."
I place my hand on my stomach, "is it still there?"
"It's still there for now"
She stares deeply into my eyes waiting for the words I will utter next but instead I burst into tears again. Why are you still here? Do you really want to sabotage my future? Can you just please go away for now? I wish it could hear my words but I guess it couldn't. Poor child! I'm the one at fault, I'm the one that fell for deciet! I'm the one that mistaken infatuation for love!
She uses her hands to rub of my tears, "now, you have to rest before the doctor comes here and I'm quickly going home now to prepare dinner"
She adjusts my pillow and covers me with a blanket, she leaves. I close my eyes but can't catch a sleep, my brain spinning about the thoughts of what will happen to me next.
The door opens and I open my eyes. Enters our family doctor, along with him is a nurse.
"My Mar'yam, Asalam'alykum" he greets with a broad smile which communicates more than happiness.
"Wahlykum salam" I reluctantly reply
He checks the pant of blood drip I'm receiving and presses some parts of my stomach.
"Do you feel any pain?"
I shake my head
"Any complaint?"
I shake my head again in response.
"Good! I think you are now in good shape so I can now talk to you." He folds his arms and glares at me, "Mar'yam, do you know you are wicked?"
I look away from him, although I escaped Ummy's scolding, I have known I will receive different scolding and mockery from different people. Here, it has started...
"Do you know pregnancy is a special risk factor for suicide attempt? You didn't only want to commit suicide but wanted to kill an innocent foetus which was peacefully where it was before you pull it to come over to you. Didn't you see this coming while you were enjoying your time with that guy? I think you went to madrasah, do you think the after life will be easier for you after committing such a great sin? I'm not that a knowledgeable Muslim but I remember this hadith where the Prophet (may peace be upon him) said he who commits suicide by stabbing himself will keep on stabbing himself in the hell fire. Do you want to keep eating rat poison in the hell fire if you were to die? Allah warned us not to harm ourselves not to talk of killing ourselves... Mar'yam!" He unfolds his arms and put them by his waist "you dissapoint me! Anyway, I'm assigning counsel for you before you are discharged"
He collects a notepad from the nurse and writes in it. I sneak a stare a him, tears gathers in my eyes again. What he said strikes my cereberal hemisphere, I didn't really think well before eating the poison, it would have been hellish for me there compare to what I'm going to face on earth!
"Now that you have been given the antidote which has stopped the effect of the poison, your bleeding has also been controlled and the blood transfusion is ongoing, you are fine. We have scan the baby and the fetal heart rate is within normal range and there is no fetal malformation, so the baby also is ok." He hands the book and pen to the nurse and faces me again, "this life is beautiful my dear and it is very very sure that you will die one day so you don't have to be hasty. Let's live in it together now that we have the chance and give it our best shot so that we can succeed in the hereafter. This is part of shaytan's trick to hamper our life so that we are going to end up in hell with him. My dear, you have to stop being shaytan's toy and live your life to the fullest." He pauses and looks straight into my eyes, "Do I communicate?"
I nod in response, "thank you sir, jazaakallah khairan"
"Wa antum fajazaakumullah khairan. When your Mum returns, tell her to come and see me in my office, OK?"
I nod and watch him as he leaves.
Doctor Zubair, he has always been my mentor and role model! Coming to his hospital anytime I'm sick makes me want to become a doctor or a nurse. Last time I came here for a malaria treatment, I told him about my future ambition and he encouraged me by telling me his life story of how he started school all by himself and went to the university by only his mother's help and support. He said he was from a polygamous family, his old dad had four wives and his mother was the youngest.
"Dad has many children who are very older than me, the person I think I followed was 15 years older than me. I'm the only child of my Mum and also the last child of the family. My Mum being very young and beautiful, I always wonder why she chose to marry such an old man but funny enough, I never ask her because I knew how much she was regretting it till her death. Dad had the money to sponsor me even if I were to study abroad but he didn't because he thought he will never live to reap my fruit. So he saw no reason to sponsor me, he has forgotten that he brought me into this world, he has forgotten that I'm not his but Allah entrusted me to him, he has forgotten he will be questioned by Allah about me, he has also forgotten that his life is only with Allah and only Him can make it either short or long. Here we are now, Mum is gone and dad is still alive. Glory be to Allah, I'm the only filial son among all his children. Others don't care about him and probably praying for his death because he is now very old, everyone only faces their families... So, Mar'yam I'm just telling you this to let you know that in this life no matter the situation and circumstances you find yourself, in as much as you have the will, the way will always appear in front of you. You should learn to control every situation you find yourself and do not let the situation control you. I know your family is a mess for now but that shouldn't affect your future, I love ambitious kids especially females. In your hand is a pen to write how you want your destiny to be fulfilled. I wish you best of luck my dear" he said to me on my last visit to his hospital.
"But here I am today with a chattered hope for my future" I start sobbing again till I gently drift to sleep.
Seeing a lonely girl crying, I extend my hand towards her but I can't reach her. Trying my possible best to reach her but to no avail. I want to console her, I want to wipe her tears, I want to tell her everything will be okay but I can't. I keep trying but I can't. She keeps crying and uttering some words which I try to listen,
"Please save me! Save me..!" She keeps crying
Who is she? I don't know but I'm feeling more compassion towards her. I'm feeling hurt seeing her crying. Who is she?
I wake up and find myself crying. I look around and realize I'm still at the hospital. I've been dreaming but why are the tears there?
The door opens abruptly, enter my brother and two women who are our neighbour. My brother offers them seats and leans against the wall opposite me. He glares at me that I can feel his eyes boring holes in my body. I understand that look; stupid girl! Foolish girl! Ungrateful girl! Cheap girl! Whore! Harlot! Slut! Yes, I admit, I deserve those names.
"Mar'yam, how is your health now" asks the first woman.
"Alhamdulillah" I reply
"Hope you aren't feeling pain any where and what exactly happened to you?" Asks the second woman.
What exactly should I tell them happened to me? That I'm pregnant and tried to commit suicide? I don't think I can give such an answer. I stare up at my brother who is still glaring at me without uttering a word not to talk of answering them in my place.
I've known this woman to be one of the busybody on our street, what should I say?
"I saw blood on your cloth that day, What happened to you Mar'yam?" She asks again.
Why so persistent? "I'm just..."
My brother cuts in, "she is pregnant, she just had some complications and Alhamdulillah all is well now"
Tears suddenly gather in my eyes, how can he easily tell them that? Does he ever care about me?
ESCAPE ROM THE BOTTOMLESS PIT -
Episode 3
The whole room becomes silent, my brother has spilled an unexpected bean. I don't want to cry but the tears keep threatening to roll down. For this moment, I hate my brother. He is to consider my feelings, doesn't he know how hurt I am feeling? I sniff and try to hold back the tears, I shouldn't let them sense my pain... But come to think of it, it's for the best. After all, no matter how long I try to hide it, people are still going to know. Still, I'm hurting, I'm ashamed of myself!
The first woman clears her throat, "I hope you are now okay?"
Sniffing and rubbing my face with the back of my hand, I reply "yes ma"
The room becomes silent again for some minutes. I glare at my brother where he stands, I wish I could at least give him a dirty slap...
The second woman breaks the silence, "You children of nowadays can't be predicted, one can never judge you by your looks. Who can ever think a girl like you who appears gentle and smart have been engaging in premarital sex..."
The first woman interrupts, "Iya Ibukun, don't blame the girl. It may be her first time. If we have to blame someone, it should be the guy. I'm very sure he sweet-talked her"
"When he wanted to sweet-talk her, why did she listen? Why did she even give him the ears?" The second woman argues
"We both know how a woman could be decieved, even we adult females are easy to manipulate. We easily trust and rely on someone. We easily cultivate strong feelings for opposite sex even if they don't deserve it"
"Yes I agree but still I will blame her because she let herself to be blinded by lust. I know she must have seen this coming. She must have smelled the infatuation but kept convincing herself that it was love..."
"That is what our world is becoming these days. Immorality is becoming widespread like fire in the dry season as we claim to be more civilized. Although it was also happening during our time but it is becoming worse and worse every day. I wonder how worst it would have become in some years to come..."
I watch them as they talk, making my matter their subject of discussion. I don't blame them, I caused it. As they said, am I really to be blamed? What I had for him was love. He was the one that betrayed me. He was the one that insisted on sex, all I wanted was just to satisfy and please him. I didn't do anything wrong, is loving someone a crime?
"May God save our children from all these fitnah, all these happening are just the law of karma"
"As how?" Asks the second woman
"As in, everyone is reaping the fruit of what they have sown. Many men during their youthful days, they forgot the fruit of their future will grow from the seed they sow today, they forgot they are going to have children especially female children. So they went around fornicating, ruining the lives of many innocent girls, turning them into whores in the name of pleasure. Then the karma starts, it either ruins their own lives or their children's. That is how immorality is becoming widespread. Those who are saved from this are just shown mercy by Allah. And almost every human fall into this error. Therefore those who didn't buy also will have to pay for it..."
"Hmmmm" the second woman nods in agreement.
Really? Was Abby into fornication? But my brother is pious, why am I the rotten egg here?
Doctor Zubair knocks and enters, "please ma'am, I'm very sorry but you will have to excuse us. My patient needs to take some good rest."
"Ok sir, Mar'yam, please don't abort it ooo because èyin omo ìsìín... (you children of nowadays...)"
Doctor Zubair cuts in, "please madam!"
"I wish you quick recovery dear, I will check up on you tomorrow when I'm returning from work" says the second woman as they stand to leave.
"Thank you ma" I say.
After they leave, doctor Zubair has a seat and faces my brother,
"Abdullah, you shouldn't have brought those women?"
"She threw the whole street into pandemonium this morning. So they were worried about her."
The whole street? That means everyone saw me being rushed to the hospital. How am I going to face this shame?
"Mar'yam, don't mind them. I overheard part of their conversation when I passed your door to check on the patient at the next door. They may even be worst than you during their time. It isn't a crime to make a mistake but it is a crime not to learn from it. I hope you will become stronger"
I smile and nod in response.
"You should be discharged tomorrow In'shaa'Allah, then I will appoint you to a counsellor" he stands to leave while he faces my brother, "please no more visitor! Anyone who wants to see her should be patient till she returns home."
"OK sir" he replies.
Doctor Zubair leaves. My brother takes a seat besides me while I turn to the other side, I don't think I'm ready to withstand his next action.
Landing into the world of my thoughts, I remember my phone. Lukman should have been trying my number... Or he never even attempts to try it. I turn back and face my brother who is busy reciting his Qur'an,
"Boda mi, please have you seen my phone?"
He raises his eyebrow, what a vicious look he is giving me!
"What do you want to do with it? You want to call that jerk again?"
I wish I didn't ask him! I remain silent and stare at him while he glares at me.
Ummy knocks and says teslim.
"Wahlykum salam warahmatullah wabarakaatuhu" we both respond.
She enters and says to my brother, "Abdullah, you should go home now. We can't leave the house empty... You will see your food in the kitchen"
He leaves after saying teslim.
Alhamdulillah, he has gone. I quietly pray his school resumes from their strike in time else...
Ummy brings out her food and starts eating. No bismillah?
"Ummy, you've forgot to say bismillah"
"I'm sorry dear, I'm starving. I haven't eaten anything since morning and I couldn't wait to eat at home because I wanted to relieve your brother from babysitting you. He has to go to work tomorrow."
Babysitting me? I'm not a kid!
"Bismillah" she says.
"But Ummy, you've already started eating instead you should say bismillah fi awwalihi waakhiri"
She repeats after me and continues eating. I watch her as she eats. Ummy has always been proud of me, I hope that hasn't depreciated.
"Kikiope, what are your plans now? Are you going to live with that boy's mother?" She asks as she finishes eating and sighs with Alhamdulillah, she puts her plate inside a bag.
"I think you hear my question" she says again.
I've never thought of it, I don't have a decision yet.
"OK, seems you are still out of it. I'm going out for ishai prayer. You have to think of it over and all over again."
She exits.
What are my plans? I never plan for all these happening in my life. Life doesn't always go the way we plan it. The question should be what necessary steps do I have to take to recify this mistake?
"Ya Allah! Guide me!" I quietly sob
Now I remember to seek Allah whom I didn't remember when I was disobeying Him. I'm a sinner!
A flash of my dream appears in my memory. Who could the girl be? Why was she crying? Why was I unable to console her? Why did I have such a dream? I can't put the puzzle together. I don't get a clear image of its meaning. I close my eyes and keep thinking and rethinking about the dream until sleep finally finds me.
Laying awake in the afternoon after observing dhur solat. It's been a while I've been discharged from the hospital. Ummy hasn't asked me for the reply to her question, she has been busy alone at shop because the doctor asked me not to stress myself till I recuperate. Brother Abdullah still chooses not to talk to me. All my effort to get a word out of him is to no avail. I now wish he could just at least rebuke me! Walking on the street is like walking through a hell, people always stare at me here and there, the news must have gotten to them. I do feel ignominious but I will no more give up on this life. Like the counsellor said,
"don't be discouraged my dear, this is a game of life, you have to keep rolling the dice."
So, I won't give up, I will never give up, not anymore! Lukman hasn't called. Maybe he will never call me again. I gaze at my phone for a little while, hoping to be surprised by either his call or message but none comes in. Is it really over? Just like this?
"I'm a fool in love!" I start sobbing.
No one to comfort me because I'm alone at home so I start to comfort myself. I still can't believe it's Lukman that betrayed me this way. I pick up my phone and call my friend Idayah, who lives in their street.
"Mar'yam, I'm on my way to your place already"
"OK, expecting you"
I hang the call.
A few minutes later I hear a knock and Teslim, so I reply and open the door.
"How do you know I will be at home?" I ask
"I saw brother Abdullah when he was going to work, so I asked him if you will be at home and he said you are going nowhere"
I offer her a seat,
"Mar'yam, I've heard some rumors but I don't believe it. That is why I'm here"
I smile, human beings are really terrible rumors carrier, "that I'm pregnant?"
She covers her opened mouth with her hands, "don't tell me it's true"
"Yes it is"
"Subhanallah! Mar'yam, how come? How did you do it?"
I must hide my pain as much as possible.
"How else? Like everyone does it!"
"Who is the lucky guy?"
"Lucky you said?" I adjust my wrapper and sit right, "he is someone you know, someone I enquired from you"
"Lukman?"
"Yes, Lukman"
"Subhanallah, that means you are already pregnant when you came to me that time. Why didn't you enquire about him earlier? Lukman isn't a good guy, he isn't worth anything in you even a strand of your hair"
"That is how we see it, ore! The deed is already done."
"Is he ready to take the responsibility?"
Responsibility she says! I explain everything to her. How we went to his parent, how I attempted suicide and how he hasn't been reachable. I just want to confide in a friend.
"All is well my friend, I wish you had known before your mum and told me. We would have taken care of it without anyone knowing"
"As how?"
"Abortion of course"
"That is too risky"
"Risky than that your suicide attempt? I'm not talking about using some kind of pills here. I'm talking about surgical abortion where everything would be removed neat and clean, it won't cost you up to five thousands naira"
"I wasn't thinking when I was trying to commit suicide but I'm thinking now. I can't do that"
"Suit yourself dear, I've proposed my help to you. Seems you want to deliver a bad boy's baby"
"Yes, let me deliver it. If I should abort it, I've become a murderer in front of Allah and not just an ordinary murderer but a murderer of my own child. I've already sinned against my Lord and here is the punishment, let me willingly accept it instead of adding another bigger sin to it"
"Save me the preaching Mar'yam, you are too dull for my liking. If every girl on the street should be like this then we would all have been pregnant and have many children by now"
"Idayah, don't tell me you have once tried abortion"
"Not once dear, twice and here I am. If I don't tell you will you know?"
"Subhanallah, how old are you Idayah? Twice!" I exclaim.
"Yes dear, at least I'm three years older than you. Let me tell you something, every girl on the street are into this thing we call sex. Even those that pretend to be “holy holy”, most of them are 'serious after useless'. So, everyone just has a way or two to prevent pregnancy. And sometimes when it accidentally happens, the smart ones find their ways out"
"You call that smartness? They are nothing but dangerous! Also you can't say every girl, I know some who aren't..."
She cuts in, "who aren't what? Sit down there, gbogbo wa lolè bile bádá (everyone of us are thieves when no one is around). See dear, some just show it, I mean they let people know they are doing it and some try their best to hide it. They pretend to be innocent in front of people but deep down them they are doing it. So my dear, we are all the same because it is all called illegal sex"
"I still don't believe you Idayah, if not that I fell for Lukman’s deceit" tears gather in my eyes but I shake it off, "if I haven't met Lukman in my life, I won't have fallen into this error"
She makes a loud giggles, "you are funny, that is how it starts for every girls. It starts with a guy then the second, the third, the fourth, even many girls have lost counts"
My mouth abruptly opened, "Subhanallah! Lost count?"
"Yes, you don't know? In the hope of finding a serious relationship, at least someone we can date and get married to later in the future, we do fall into different bad boys’ hands. Those boys are only after this holes in between our laps. See ore (friend), it later becomes enjoyment and pleasure for us too."
"So, I should still be thankful and grateful to Allah for my life!"
"Who shouldn't be? I'm thankful too. Besides, I haven't lost count and only two pregnancies I just aborted" she gives me a silly smile.
Alhamdulillah, I never know my life is better than that of many girls on the street.
"It's high time we started repenting then. Allah is Al-gafar, He will surely forgive us."
"My dear I will seek for that when I get married because now I can no more do without having sex at least twice in a week..."
I cut in, "really? Then get married now"
"Ma... Or wetin you say? Marriage? Then my education will stop. You know my elder sister, Zaynab. She once told my dad she wanted to get married when she was in her second year in the university. Daddy was very against it. He even threatened to disown her. He said she should be through with her university program first. Not to talk of myself that is still struggling to have my complete O'level result."
I take a deep sigh, what am I going to do about her?
"What is that look? Are you pitying me? O girl, you are the pitiful one here right now..."
I cut in, "I'm not sure, you are!"
"May be then... What are we going to do about Lukman?"
I take a more deeper breath, "I don't know"
"Has his mother come to check up on you?"
"No!"
"I almost forgot you said a girl he also impregnated is living with his Mum. What are you going to do now?... Wait, I think I have a number of one of his drinking buddies. They should know where he is. Maybe we can go to him now and talk some things out" she says as she brings out her phone from her tight jean trousers.
She rings the guy and he picks, they exchange greeting and she asks about Lukman.
"Lukman isn't around, he traveled" he says.
He traveled, with all these going on?
"Where did he go and when will he be back?" Idayah asks him
"He only said he was going to Abuja and nothing more. He didn't mention a precise time he will be back but it seems he won't be back on time because he sold his phone and destroyed his sim card before he left"
Tears starts dripping from my eyes, I can't hide the pain anymore. How can Lukman do this to me?
ESCAPE FROM THE BOTTOMLESS PIT -
Episode 4
"Stop crying my dear, I know you were only pretending to be okay. You aren't..."
I cut in as I continue crying aloud, "does he even ever loved me?"
"I don't think someone like Lukman can ever love. An innocent girl like you easily fall for deceit" says Idayah.
Crying loudly, "This is too cruel and inhuman..."
"Sorry dear! Everyone starts as innocent; experiences make us become more cruel"
"What do you mean? Are you now taking his side?"
"No I'm not, I'm just wishing you luck"
She inclines forward and hugs me, petting me at the back, "stop crying and let's think of a way out"
I withdraw and sniff, rubbing off my tears with my hands, "what should I do, ehn? I think I never know Lukman, he is becoming a total stranger as I'm getting more information on him. I'm confused"
"Do you want me to enquire more about him? I know many of his friends, even one of them was my ex boyfriend"
"No, you don't have to! I should just try and get by"
"It's okay, anytime you change your mind, just let me know"
Idayah and I weren't that close during our secondary school days. She was one of the acclaimed 'big girls' in my class. She was usually in a sexy school uniform; very short skirt and tight top. She was known to be disturbed by most of our senior mates and male teachers. We just got to talk and chat during exam period because our surnames followed each other alphabetically.
Although this is the first time I'm confiding in her, I'm already seeing her as a sister because right now she seems to be the only person lending me a shoulder to cry on. Others are just either blaming me or telling me to be strong. No one wants to understand how I'm feeling. No one wants to hear me out, they are just judging me by their view irrespective of mine. Ever since I got my self into this mess, I've never got to talk to anyone about this except her. I'm indeed grateful!
"Thank you Idayah" I say as I place my hands on hers.
"You don't have to my dear, I've always been looking forward to becoming a friend with you. It's just unfortunate to be this way"
This is the real Idayah I've known, a friend to everyone.
I smile, "we already are!... That reminds me, where did you hear your rumour?"
"On our class whatsApp group, it's even not only you. Do you know my friend, Gloria? She is also pregnant. It was all over the group chat" she expounds.
"That gentle girl?" I ask
"Gentle what? Gloria isn't gentle at all! She is worse than I am. Because she doesn't talk much doesn't make her a gentle girl"
"I never know"
"See you dear, none of the girls in our class were decent except you and one girl that used to sit beside the senior boy..."
I cut in, "Rodiah?"
"Yes, Rodiah! I don't know about her now because I haven't seen her since our graduation but I heard she is now in a university"
I was really decent because I had the determination and focus before I was blinded with lust. I'm not surprised hearing her label Rodiah as decent, she has been a well cultured and religious girl. I heard many girls change when they enter university, I pray she doesn't end up like me.
We have some chitchat about the girls in my class. I ask her many things I don't know about them and she gives me all the answer. Her nickname really fits her; Miss BBC! I never know almost every girl is like me. We fall in love until we are lost in lust, why is it so? Is falling in love haram?
The muhazin calls, we hear the adhan. It's time for solat dhur. We both stand up and head into our bathroom for ablution. After ablution, I borrow a prayer mat from brother Abdullah's room and we are ready to pray in the sitting room. I watch Idayah as she untie her head scarf and spread it over her head and neck, leaving her arms uncovered. She wants to pray in her tight jean trouser which is revealing her whole body shapes. Is this how she usually prays?
"Idayah, don't tell me you are praying in that outfit. I've been thinking you will ask me for something that covers more" I say
"Why can't I? I'm covering my head, neck and my trouser is long enough. If you are referring to my uncovered arms, then I can extend my scarf to cover them"
"It isn't about only your arm, you are wearing a shape revealing cloth and the Prophet (salallahu alaehi wasalam) said 'Allaah does not accept the prayer of a woman who is of child-bearing age unless (she is covered) with a khimaar.' That means you should pray in an ample dress that covers all your body and it must be loose so that it doesn't show the shape of your body. It's also best to cover your feet."
"But I haven't born a child" she argues
"But you are of childbearing age, pregna..."
She cuts in, "it's now clear, enough! Since you know this much, you shouldn't have fallen into this pit you find yourself"
My eyes become red, she just rubs a salt unto my wound...
She moves closer and hold my arm, "I'm sorry dear, I'm just joking. I don't mean to hurt you".
I close my eyes and hold back my tears, "let me get you one of my khimaar and wrapper, the time is going"
I enter my room and rub off my tears,
"Kikiope, you shouldn't let this get to you" I soliloquize.
I take a wrapper and a qimar for her. We stand side by side on the same line while I lead the solat and we start praying. On my sajdah during the solat, after the sujud adhkar, I ask Allah for forgiveness and guidance. What I only know of my sin is having premarital sex, I don't think it's a sin to fall in love.
After our solat, I throw on a long dress with a small hijab. I don't bother to look good, it has no more essence. I walk Idayah to the main street where she takes a ride home.
Returning home, I pass through the corner where I first met Lukman. A silly smile appears on my face, what is this lingering feelings I'm perceiving? I quickly walk past the corner. Hearing some murmuring voices from behind, I turn back and see two girls in my former secondary school's uniform. They are my juniors at school and I recognize one of them who lives not far from our house. They stop talking and start looking else where immediately they notice I've seen them. I turn back to the front and keep walking while I try to listen to their conversations.
"She is pregnant" says Kafilah, the girl who lives not far from our house.
"She isn't, her stomach isn't big" the second girl argues.
"Her stomach may not be big yet but I'm very sure she is pregnant. My sister told me" says Kafilah
"Really? See her, prostitute!"
"I heard she doesn't even know who impregnated her. She must have had sex with different boys" says Kafilah, more loudly enough for me to hear without listening.
They must be trying me out. Rumors are really bad, don't I really know who impregnated me? Should I fight these girls or leave them. They are much younger than I am, people will blame me if I should fight them. So I increase my walking speed and never look back till I get home. I enter my room and cry bitterly,
"how much longer will I have to put up with this?" I cry aloud.
I continue to cry till I drift to sleep.
By luck, I wake up at the time of ashr and I pray. I start preparing for dinner because my brother will soon arrive from work. Alhamdulillah, his school has resumed from strike and he has been preparing for resumption which makes him unable to attend madrasah.
"I'm going to be free from his terrible gaze for a while" I murmur.
Almost done with my cooking, Ummy is supposed to have returned but she hasn't. What could possibly be keeping her this long?
About to perform ablution for maghrib, I hear a knock and teslim. I think it's Ummy but it's my brother. I reply his teslim while he enters and walks past me without looking at me or saying a word. He goes straight into his room, my heart sinks. His silence in the house alone is enough torment for me. When will this be over?
After praying, I head to his room and say my teslim while I knock. I try to open his door but it's locked. What is happening? I call out on him and continue to knock till he shouts on me.
"Stop disturbing me! What do you want?"
I'm taken aback, it's like this is the first time I'm getting such reaction from him.
"I'm sorry, I just want to ask if I should bring your food to your room or you will eat it in the sitting room"
"You can bring it here!" He shouts in response.
What's wrong with this man today? Why is everyone I thought I know very well are becoming strangers to me everyday?
I serve his food and bring it to his room. He opens the door and I enter. After placing his food on a stool beside his bed, I turn to leave when he calls me.
"Mar'yam, when last did you check your school admission list?"
"I checked it last month and..."
He cuts in, "your name is now added to the list. You have been given admission"
"Alhamdulillah! Allahu Akbar!" I shout in joy.
I want to hug him like I always do but I restrain because right now I'm the person he hates most in the world.
He opens his food and starts eating, "what are your plans now because you have made things complicated for yourself already"
I suddenly become so sad, I don't know what to say in reply so I rush out of his room. I sit in the sitting room, waiting for Ummy to return. I try to eat but I've lost the appetite, I don't know how I'm going to escape this bottomless pit I've found myself...
While thinking, Ummy enters saying teslim and I reply.
"Ummy why are you returning late?" I ask.
"Where is your brother?" She asks
"He has gone to the masjid"
She yawns and sits tiredly on the couch, "have a seat, we have to talk"
I sit next to her.
"You can see I haven't talked to you about what is going on since we have left the hospital. It's because I was giving you time to recuperate and Alhamdulillah that you are now very well okay" she pauses and looks at me.
My heart starts beating faster, I don't know what Ummy is trying to say.
She continues, "your brother should have told you about your admission... I went to that boy's house today, Lukman or what do you call him? I was wondering why he hasn't checked up on you or was it a one night stand?"
I shake my head in denial, the look on her face says she disagrees. But there is no way I can convince her.
"If it isn't, why did he run away? His mother said he travelled but I believe that is not it but he is running away from you. I asked his mother about her own plan for you and she said you should come and live with her. While we were talking, the other girl she called his wife arrived from hawking. She has been hawking fufu (a food made from cassava) for that boy's mother. I pity the girl but I don't blame the woman because everyone has to do something to survive. Is that the kind of life you want to live?"
Sorrow fills my heart, I start looking down. Such kind of life is so pitiful, how can I live like that? A life I never lived!
She continues, "I watched the girl as she immediately started peeling the cassavas with knife, she barely rested. You are almost same age as the girl. I imagined you living like that but I don't think I can bear it. So, what do you think we should do?"
I quickly kneel in front of her, "Ummy please don't send me there, I will never do it again. Please I don't want to go"
I plead. I want to cry to show her my remorse.
I mean it but the tears won't come. It seems I've shed all the tears in my eyes.
Tears gather in her eyes, "what do you think I should do then? Because now, your brother is in his final year and will In'shaa'Allah resume tomorrow. You have been given admission to study nursing and midwifery which is expensive and here is the complicated one; a baby whose father isn't ready to take any responsibility. And here we are! I'm the only one left to take all the responsibilities. Do you want to kill me when I never killed my mother?" She bursts into tears.
Tears abruptly come into my eyes too and start flowing like a river, it never dries.
Still on kneeling, I start pleading again, "Ummy I'm sorry. I will do anything you ask me to do. Just don't send me there"
She wipes her tears with a tip of her wrapper, "it's okay, sit down... You know your brother is now in his final year, I have to start looking for his school fees and as an engineering student, his project fee is even costlier than his school fees. If this pregnancy thing hasn't happened and I haven't spent much at the hospijtal to save your life, I've thought we would do as we did 3 years ago when you wanted to pay for your WAEC and NECO examination fees and your brother wanted to pay his school fees and buy some text books. We both worked very hard then as we split to make sales at two different markets at the same time for several days. But the doctor warned me not to let you stress yourself because both your life and the child's can be in danger. I don't know what we should do? You are no more a kid, you should also think of a way we should go through this."
Throughout the night, thinking of how to rule my life out of this mess, I barely sleep a wink. The only solution here now is to give up my admission for now. For my sake, for the poor child's sake and for everyone's sake. It's hard on me because it has been my long time dream which I've been striving for. I tell Ummy about my decision, she finds it difficult to accept but she does accept at last. I can't live with his mother and I can't overburden my mother so I have to bear my cross alone by making this only sacrifice. I pray to Allah to give me a better opportunity to make this up in my life.
Months pass, we are now in the month of February of another year. I'm now 18years and two months old while my pregnancy has become 6 months old, Alhamdulillah. My stomach is becoming bigger everyday and I no more cry over my shame but I'm becoming stronger. Ummy and my brother are now back to their normal self with me. I decide to learn some handiwork but Ummy and my brother are against it. Instead, they make me attend tutorial classes for JAMB. I'm at first ashamed as I see the girls in my class laughing at me. Anytime I see them talking in group, I do think they are gossiping about me but I later get used to it. Most of them now become my friends. It is true that shame fades with time.
Returning from my tutorial class one afternoon, Idayah calls me that she is coming from somewhere and will like to stop by at my house, I tell her to come. When I reach home, I pray my solat dhur. I hear a knock and teslim, it's Idayah.
"Wahlykum salam warahmatullah wabarakaatuhu, enter"
"Oh my lovely friend, I've missed you." She walks towards me where I sit and gives me a hug.
Her face fills with enthusiasm, I offer her a seat.
"What's up today? You look like someone coming from a party and why this extremely happy face?"
"Na so my friend, let me gist you" I adjust my seat inquisitively and she continues, "one of my boyfriends called me this morning to come to his house. I was so happy that I couldn't wait to go because it's been a while I've seen him and to my surprise he took me out for shopping and brought all this for me..."
She unloads a paper bag she is carrying and here are different kinds of dresses especially red dresses.
"Why is red too many here? Is red your favourite colour? When you aren't a sango (god of thunder) worshipper" I ask
"Sango worshipper ko, ogun (god of iron) worshipper ni. Let me die before you bury me my dear, I picked some dresses and he picked those red dresses for me. See this pair of shoes too and these underwears, he also bought them for me"
She unloads the other two nylon bags, one contains three pairs of shoes in which there is a red sandal and the other contains ladies underwears, mostly red colours.
"I still don't get it, why red of all colours"
"You are becoming impatient, after we bought every thing. He then drove me to his house and to my surprise he kneels before me, holding a jewelry box. I was anxious that I thought he wanted to ask me to marry him but do you know what he said?"
"What did he say?" I anxiously ask.
"Will you be my val?" She mimicks him, "and he opened the box. Alas! It's a diamond necklace! I mean this necklace I'm wearing" she increases the pitch of her tone in happiness.
I look at her astonished, I don't know why she is so happy about 'be my val' which is not 'be my wife'
"And?" I ask
"And what? Why aren't you happy for me?"
"Is being someone's val something to be happy for?"
She starts packing her wears back inside the bags, "you are irritating me then, I shouldn't have come here. I should have gone to Gloria or someone that will cheer me up. You are too boring for my liking."
"Are you angry? Please don't be! I just don't understand why you are happy because he asked you to be his val and not wife"
She sits back, "the reason why I'm happy is because he made me realize I'm special to him. There are many girls out there, why should he call only me to be his Val if I'm not special to him. Maybe next time, he won't ask me to only be his Val but ask me to be his wife."
I burst into laughter, "how do you know that you are the only one he asks that and how does luring you to his bed on Val's night makes you special?"
"Val is a day of expressing love..."
I cut in, "and infatuation!"
"You get it wrong, please don't ruin my day. Today is 7 and Valentine day remains seven days today, I've got to prepare myself for the day"
She angrily stands up, about to leave when I pull her down back to sit.
"Idayah! Let me talk to you as a sister in faith. You may abuse me again with my current state but I don't care, I will still tell you the truth. Islam is a religion of all season and reason. Even when I was dating I didn't celebrate Val because my brother has already enlighten me about it"
She rests her cheeks on her palms and starts looking at me probably thinking I have nothing significant to say.
I continue, "we have our own festivals and Islam proscribes joining the non-Muslims in celebrating their festivals. Valentine day has a pagan origin, it was believed to be a day the pagans celebrated their 'feast of wolves' where various illegal sexual activities takes place. Later when Christianity came to reign, the day was assigned to celebrate the death of one of their saints known as Valentine who was executed because he conducted secret marriages for soldiers. Even though there are contradictory stories behind it but it's very clear that Valentine day celebration originated from the pagans and Christians. Therefore, it is the festival of non-Muslims and not ours. Islam is a religion that promotes love, it encourages us to show love and gratitude to each other every day and all time and not on a particular day. Just like the prophet (salallahu alaehi wasalam) ordered us not to face the non Muslims direction to worship, we shouldn't join them in their festival. This day has been a day when immorality, lust and infatuation are promoted. Muslims who celebrate Valentine day by any way either by engaging themselves fully or partially in it commit a great sin of disobedience to the Allah's apostle as well as Allah azza wajal together with the sin they earn from committing different kinds of immoralities. In conclusion, we Muslims should say NO to Valentine day!"
She takes a deep sigh, am I getting into her?
ESCAPE FROM THE BOTTOMLESS PIT -
Episode 5
Walking across the street in the later evening, I keep shaking my head. The bars are filled with men and women likewise boys and girls, guest houses and hotels aren't exclusive. Today is the evening of the so called Valentine Day. Many people are going astray today! Many innocent souls will get lost in the wilderness of lust! Many pure souls will fall into the dungeon of everlasting regrets! Just like myself, many kids will end up like me today!
Almost everyone walking on the street is wearing red; red and white, red and black, many combinations of red colours like amoxilline and tetracycline capsules. The whole town is always painted red on the day of Valentine, nahuzubillah! And 80% of Muslim youths are always involved. No matter what you say, no matter how you preach, people will still participate and err. I shake my head for myself. I remember when I was told, when I was warned, how I wish I had listened! But come to think of it, if the same scenarios should repeat themselves, I would still make the same mistake over and over again else I had let my brain rule over my feelings. Perhaps, most girls are like that, we let our feelings rule over our brain!
I just pray Idayah make use of my advice. She has been escaping the consequences excellently unlike me who has already get caught in the web of my disobedience. Alhamdulillah because if I hadn't, I would have become worst. She may even got to be a better person if she returns in time before it's too late. Allah is always an Ever-forgiven Lord!
"Yah Allah! Grant Idayah Your idayah" I chuckle, "her name is Idayah but she is a strayed dog!... I was also named after a pious woman, Mar'yam but I never emulate her piety, shame on me!" I soliloquize as I walk down to our house.
In front of our house sit my brother and his friend, Abu Anifah.
"When did he return?"
Although my brother isn't harsh on me anymore, he hasn't been free with me as before. I haven't seen Abu Anifah since that day he advised me. I don't think he has seen me either but he would have heard. No need to be shy but my legs keep dragging as I'm walking towards them.
"Keep your head up, Mar'yam! You don't have to feel ashamed anymore, Kikiope!" I mumble, encouraging myself.
I smile, saying my teslim to them as I enter the house, closing the door behind.
"Alhamdulillah!" My heart almost burst.
I check the time, it's almost Maghrib and I haven't cooked. I rush into the kitchen and start cooking the dinner. My brother likes food and I don't want this to be the first altercation I will receive since he arrives.
While cooking, my brother enters and for no reason I can tell, my heart starts racing in fear. He opens the pots on the hotplates and sees that I'm almost done.
"You are supposed to be done by after maghrib?"
"Yes"
"Okay" he rests his back on the kitchen's opened door and faces me, "have you been going to the hospital for the antenatal care?"
"Yes"
"What about what I asked you the last time I called?"
"I asked the doctor and he said I shouldn't obtain the JAMB form this year. He said it will be better if I wait till next year"
He nods, "I understand, that is better"
I think this is time for either query or interrogation so I calm myself and draw near the stool beside me and sit.
"Hope you always recite the morning and evening adhkars I taught you"
I nod, playing with my fingers.
"Have you thought of a name yet? I mean for the child"
"Hnnn... No, maybe I will think of one when I deliver"
"You supposed to, it's sunnah to give the foetus a name when it reaches three months. So start thinking of one... Have you been buying the baby's needs?"
"No, Ummy hasn't mentioned it so I think it isn't time yet"
Seeing his deportment, I'm now feeling at ease with him.
"Remind me at the weekends" he says as he abruptly exit without hearing my reply.
"He didn't tell me what I should remind him of..." Smiling to myself, "he is now accepting me back as his sister" I continue what I'm doing at ease, till maghrib arrives.
"Mar'yam, I'm off to the masjid with Abu Anifah and we will both return after ishai for dinner" he shouts from outside.
I reply him that I've heard and they take off. Now I have enough time for myself...
"Asalam'alykum" Ummy greets as she enters.
"Wahlykum salam warahmatullah wabarakaatuhu" I run out of the kitchen and hug her.
"Don't you know you are no more a kid"
I release her from the hug. She smiles and I smile at her.
"Get me a kettle of water, it's time for maghrib" she says
We perform ablution and pray. After solat, while doing adhkar, I notice movement in my stomach. I smile,
"Why are you smiling?" Asks Ummy.
"Ummy, the baby is moving"
"Let me check"
Ummy places her hand on my tummy, the baby moves again.
Pointing to one side of my tummy "Ummy, this place"
Ummy moves her hand and places it where I'm pointing to. She smiles,
"That means he is healthy"
"He? How do you know it's he?"
"I just know, it is he In'shaa'Allah"
"But Ummy, I think it's a girl"
"How?"
"I had a dream while I was admitted in the hospital..." I narrated the whole dream to her.
She takes a deep sigh, "I can't tell if it's a good or bad dream, what did you do when you woke up"
"I couldn't do anything, I was so confused"
"Anytime you have such a dream, spit to your left side three times, say 'ahuzubillah minna shaytaani rajeem' three times and then you should turn and sleep on the opposite side on which you were previously sleeping on or you should get up and pray."
I nod, "I pray it isn't a bad dream"
She stares at me for a while,
"Mar'yam, this moment should have been one of the best moments for you and your husband if you had done this in the right way"
I don't know what she meant but I'm feeling sad, poor me!
"Let me tell you about my first pregnancy, when I was pregnant with Abdullah. It was two months after our nikkah. Your father was very happy that he immediately called his parents for the news. He wanted to call his friends but I stopped him, he was overjoyed. What I just did with you now was what my husband used to do with me whenever I was pregnant, even when I was pregnant with you..."
I cut in, "really? But people do say that men care less when they start having children"
"Yes, some men do but not your Abu. He was always as caring as before even till his last breath, he kept mentioning my name. Whenever I was pregnant especially when it reached this stage as yours, he used to come home early in order to help me out in the home chores. It was his wont to bring home anything he thought I would be pleased with. Your father was always sweet, I'm missing him"
She starts wiping her face with her wrapper. She used to hide this feelings from us and pretended to be okay. This is the first time I'm seeing this side of her clearly. Even though I was small but I still remember those days, Abby was really a good husband and father.
"Ummy!" Tears assembles in my eyes too. I can't bear seeing her in this state.
She forces a smile on, "I'm just missing him these days. I was so attached to your father and since that time he has gone I can't help but miss him. Maybe if he were alive, we would have married you off to a better person before you fell into this error. He used to say you and your late sister are his ticket to jannah because of the hadith where the Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, 'Whoever has three daughters and he cares for them, he is merciful to them, and he clothes them, then Paradise is certainly required for him.' It was said, “O Messenger of Allah, what if he has only two?” The Prophet said, “Even two.” Some people thought that if they had said to him one, the Prophet would have said even one.' Your Abu used to discuss with me how we are going to raise you to be pious and religious women. But here we are! He is gone, your sister is gone and with only you, I couldn't do it alone..."
Thinking to myself as she talks, "Ummy isn't to be blamed, it's I who lead myself astray."
"Everything that happens in one's life is ordained by Allah, He is the Best planner" she takes a deep sigh.
I've wanted to ask Ummy why she has not remarried. I can remember that Ummy was in her late 30s when Abby died, she had the chance but she didn't. This maybe the perfect time.
"Ummy, why didn't you remarry after Abby's death"
"Your brother once asked me that. It's just that if I should remarry, your Abu will no more be my husband in the akhira and I still want to be with him in jannah as I've promised. You know, his love, his care, I should be receiving them too in the akhira. Don't you think it is worth enduring since I'm able to cope here alone?" she smiles.
"Can we be together with our spouse in jannah?" I ask.
"Sure, we will once we strive to end up in jannah"
A broad smile appears on my face. I never know there will still be romantic life in the heaven. If Lukman marries me, with the love I had for him, I would have been the happiest in jannah too but who knows if we have both reached the end of the road in this relationship. I think we already have! Even if in the future he comes back with some kind of excuses, I don't think I can ever forgive and go back to him.
"Don't worry dear, In'shaa'Allah you will soon go for the ultrasound scanning and we will start preparing for the baby's needs. In as much as you promise to be a better you then I will always be there for you. You are still my ticket to jannah bi iznillah"
Ummy still has much hope in me, I shouldn't ever dissapoint her anymore.
"So help me Allah"
Around 10am in the morning, hearing a knock at the door.
"Who can that be? I'm not expecting a visitor"
I take the key and walk toward the door asking who it is.
"It's me Idayah, Asalam'alykum" she greets.
I reply her teslim and open the door. She enters and inclines on a seat tiredly. She looks so worn off.
"What happened?"
She reclines her arms on the table before her and sigh, "I supposed to have listened to you. I was really a Valentine tool"
Tears threaten to come out of her eyes but I can see her holding them back.
"What do you mean?"
"You should know I slept at his house till this morning. When I woke up, he asked me when I will leave and I told him anytime. He was very unstable that I could sense something was going on so I was determined to stay for a while. He started bringing up some excuses trying to send me away but I turned him down and stayed. Then he left me in the house and went out. An hour later, a girl came in while I was in his sitting room and asked me who I am. I told her that I'm Abiodun's girlfriend, she told me I was wrong that she is his fiancée and they are already engaged. I was about to stand up to her when she showed me their engagement pictures and her engagement ring." Tears start flowing from her eyes, "Mar'yam, do you know what is making me sad this much? This girl looks much decent and cool. She talked and replied me in a cool manner even when I raised my voice at her. I looked like a complete fool before her that I couldn't help but dragged my legs out of that house... I've been calling that Biodun but he isn't picking my call. I can't believe I've been played again by a man" she starts weeping.
I move closer to her and pat her at the back. Even though she is sad, I don't pity her because I believe she pulls this on herself.
"Mar'yam, I had thought I could marry him because I think I loved him..."
I cut in, "but you said your Dad won't allow you to get married now"
"Yes, but I've been thinking to push it through no matter what after I gain admission into the university this year, maybe in my second year. Mar'yam, you know I'm not growing younger and I'm now above 20years of age. It's always my dream to marry young that is why I've been searching for a serious relationship these days. I'm also tired of dating different guys, I want to get married!"
"Sorry dear, you still have more boys at hand you can consider now"
She withdraws from my grasp, "others aren't serious, none of them is ready to get married. All they know for now is to enter anything in skirt"
I burst into laughter, "even if a pig wears skirt?"
She also laughs as mucus slips from her nose. "Even a donkey!"
We both continue to laugh till the sadness reduces on her face. I ask her about the men she has at hand and which one has the possibility of wanting to get married to her but she isn't sure of any. I advise her to desist from her illicit way and moves closer to Allah azza wajal and He shall provide for her.
*******************
"Put on the qimaar and be quick, the time isn't on our side" says brother Abdullah, standing behind my door.
Today is the weekend he asked me to remind him of. He had bought me a new long qimaar and socks which I'm going to wear to the market with him this morning.
Hesitating to wear the qimar over my dress, he knocks on my door and enters after receiving my permission.
"Put it on..."
I cut in, "but... But brother Abdullah, people will stare at me and talk behind my back. I haven't wore any qimaar as long as this before. Besides, this state I am... Th... They... " voice get caught in my throat, I don't think he can understand me even if I'm able to say it. People will call me different names like 'serious after useless'.
"You aren't serious, is that why you haven't been using all the qimar I've bought you? Is what people will say more important to you than your obedience to your Creator? Even if they backbite about you, let it become a force and energy that will drive you forward along your success road, not the energy that will refrain you."
I smile and hesitatingly put it on. Although I'm motivated, I still don't understand why he prefers I wear qimaar.
"Isn't a long dress that covers fully and a small head-cover sufficient?" I murmur.
Walking down the market with my brother, buying the baby needs from one baby store to another, I can sense some people staring at us. Those who know my brother but don't know me ask him if I'm his wife and he says to them that I'm his sister. My brother carries the loads for me while I choose the items as we walk around the baby store. I tell him to let us buy it all in a store but he insists we search different stores for qualities. I would have been happier if I'm doing this with my husband still Ahamdulillah, I'm happy that my brother is giving me his support and doing this for me at this moment. It is true that no one can be compared to one's blood!
ESCAPE FROM THE BOTTOMLESS PIT -
Episode 6
Feeling an extreme heat, I rush out of the bed. Everywhere is dark because the IBEDC has not been giving us electricity since a week now. Our generator has also been faulty since three days, even if it isn't, there is no way it can still be working by this time, this should be midnight I guess, we have to take precautions.
Staggering around the dark room to find my phone, I don't think I know exactly where I left it yesterday night. All I can remember was how I've slept on the floor to avoid sweltering; my room's floor was replaced with the new ceramic tiles yesterday by my brother's friend, Abu Hanifa, trying Lukman's number maybe It could luckily go through. I don't even remember sleeping on the bed, did someone transfer me?... I abruptly bump my new wardrobe on which I hit my head, I fall to sit,
"Ou...uch!" I exclaimed in pain.
The baby moved in my stomach while I feel an ache below my stomach towards the vagina. I count the months with my fingers,
"Subhanallah! I'm almost due, my scheduled delivery date remains exactly a week today."
I find my phone and straighten my leg to relax my pelvis, recline, trying to support with my hand. But I feel unease, I straighten my back again but still don't feel at ease. I switch on my phone flashlight as I stand and start pacing the room. I later sit on the bed but still don't feel comfortable. I don't want to wake Ummy, she has been so tired from her journey. This is how I've been feeling these days, I don't usually get myself and the doctor said it's normal as the delivery day is near. I check on the time, it is almost 4 a.m. If I should wake my brother, he will repeat the same words he always say,
"If Allah wakes you in the middle of the night and you are unable to return to sleep, then you should know you haven't obey His command because He has waken you to worship Him not to stare up at the ceiling. Therefore, take your kettle and perform ablution, pray tahjud even if it is two rakats and supplicate to Him, then try to sleep after..."
Hot air flowing in, I'm feeling more uncomfortable. I firstly have to shower, then perform ablution and pray. I returned into my bed and supplicate,
"A'uudhu bikalimaati llahi tthaammati min gadobihi wa'iqaabihi, washarri 'baadihi, wamin hamazaati sshayaatiini waAn yahduruun"
Meaning; "I take refuge in the perfect words of Allah from His anger and punishment, and from the evil of His servants and from the madness and appearance of devil"
If I don't know any other dua, this dua upon experiencing fear, unrest and the like during sleep has been part of me ever since I lost my two siblings. Till a year after their death, I did dream of them and always woke up in fear. My brother and I had to keep it secret from Ummy because we didn't want to worsen her condition. That was when brother Abdullah enquired this dua from his ustaaz and taught me. What used to dread me most was that, before they died, I've dreamt of their death. Being a little girl, life was so scary.
Lying on my right side, sleep finally find me.
A girl crying before me, she is the girl I saw in my dream last time. Am I dreaming again? This time, I must make sure I console her, so I'm determined. Reaching my hands out to her again, I find her difficult to reach. Trying even harder and at the very last minute, I finally reach her. I draw her closer and fondle her. She stops crying immediately. She releases herself from the hug and looks up at me, a broad smile appears on her face. I smile back at her,
"Why have you been crying? Are you afraid Ummuki will hurt you?..."
I keep asking her different questions but she keeps smiling and doesn't answer me...
"Gba...gba...gba...gba!" hearing a bang on the door, "Asalam'alykum Mar'yam, asolat" my brother calls out.
"Already?" I slowly get up, feeling heavier than before.
I perform ablution and pray my fajr solat in my room. During my adhkars, I start dozing nodingly. I lay down and rest at the musalah till I unknowingly fall into a slumber and thence into a fast asleep.
Back in my dream again, the little girl extends her hands to me this time and I carry her. I feel a kind of attachment, a kind of affection, a kind of love, could she really be my daughter?
"You haven't told me why you were crying"
She tries to speak but can't, she try harder but can't, it is as if words get stuck in her throat. I become worried,
"Talk to me dear..."
"Mar'yam, Mar'yam" Ummy taps me on my lap.
I open my eyes, "what says the time Ummy? I haven't cooked"
"Don't worry, your brother has done that. He said not to disturb you because you looked tired. How are you doing?"
"I'm not fine Ummy, I haven't been fine since last week and today seems worst."
"That is the way it is for every pregnant woman, you are now also becoming a mother. You have to keep enduring, your time is almost due"
"But Ummy, doesn't the time given by the hospital contradicts the actual time?"
"It does even in most cases but I don't think yours will be before the given date, it should be after, if it isn't on the day because non of my children comes before the scheduled day. I used to count the complete nine months even more than that."
"But I'm having this same dream again, the one I told you I had at the hospital"
"Did you do what I taught you to usually do?..."
I interrupt, "I didn't do it because I thought it was a good dream this time except the one I had now before you woke me"
"Joseph the dreamer, don't tell me your bad dream. Do what I taught you to do now"
I spit at my left side and seek refuge from shaytan three times.
"I'm already on my way to shop. When you need money, you know where to take it. Also, I don't take along my cellphone because the battery is flat completely. In case they bring light, help me to charge it"
"OK ma, there will be much sales today In'shaa'Allah biqudratillah" I pray as I watch her leave my room.
I get up and go into the kitchen. Here is yam and egg cooked by brother Abdullah. I check on my phone, it is 10a.m. The time has really gone fast. Brother Abdullah must have gone to work,
"Ohhhh! I want to thank him for yesterday. He has been so much a sweet brother" I stamp my feet on the ground.
I serve myself and recline on a couch in the sitting room, I eat to my content.
Dozing off again, a knock sounding at the door.
"Who is it again?" I frailly exclaim, feeling perturbed.
I sluggishly walk towards the door to ask who it is.
"It's Lukman's mother" she replies.
Thinking of which Lukman it is, I open the door. Alas! It really is Lukman's mother standing before me. She is carrying a plastic bowl, probably coming from or heading to somewhere. I invite her in and offer to bring her a glass of water but she declines. I sit on a couch opposite to her and watch her as she is surveying our sitting room with her eyes. She asked if I'm the only one at home and I reply her that I am. I don't know why she is here, I don't know what to say to her so I keep quiet and watch her.
She finally clears her throat, "how have you been?"
"Alhamdulillah"
"Hope you aren't upset that I've not been able to check up on you at all? It isn't my fault, I've just been busy and I just got to know your place today. Even I was coming from somewhere and after I leave here, I still have places to stop by. I'm sorry I..."
I interrupt, "you don't have to ma, I'm doing fine on my own"
"I'm happy to hear that, I think you supposed to be due this month if I'm not wrong in my calculation"
I'm surprised she is counting months for me, but does that mean she cares? I don't think so because if she cares, she won't let her son run away from his responsibility.
I nod in response.
"So, have you registered to an hospital for your delivery?"
"Yes ma, we have an hospital our family use."
"Which hospital is that?"
"God saves hospital, along that makanju area"
"Ah!" She exclaims, "isn't it a private hospital, won't it be expensive?"
Why exclaim? "I don't know but all I know is that our family use only that hospital"
"But can't you come with me to our mission house, the midwives there are professional even than most doctors because at the hospital, they resort to operation when there is any complication but there, everyone I've known that delivered there are always safe"
"If I may ask ma, which mission house?"
"You know that big C.A.C on our street? It's their mission house"
Confused, "but that is a church"
"Yes, it doesn't matter! What matter most here is your safe delivery"
Now I'm totally confused, has Lukman's mother converted to a Christian?
"I...I can't ma, Ummy and my brother will never allow that plus I'm a Muslimah and I understand my religion. Going there is unislamic"
"OK ooo, if you say so but we are serving the same God as them. I don't see anything wrong in going there even the girl you saw in my house delivered hers there and I do go there sometimes to pray"
"Subhanallah" I slightly shake my head, not wanting her to notice. Her Islam has become something else, no wonder his son is like that. I can't believe I fell in love with her son. "I can't ooo"
"I'm not forcing you... Hope you have bought your baby needs?"
"Yes ma, I bought it some months ago"
"Can I take a look?"
I'm happy to hear she wants to take a look. No other person has seen what I've bought for my baby except Abu Anifah. I've been urging Idayah to come and visit me since last time she came but she still hasn't. I just need someone to commend my family's effort. I lead her to my room and I can see "wow! This is lovely" written on her face as she enters. I open a part of my new wardrobe where I arranged all the baby's clothes and other stuffs.
"Did your mother bought you all these?"
"Yes, and my brother"
"All these are of good qualities, they must be expensive." She says, touching every item her hand is able to lay on, "they have really tried o. I was thinking of buying you some before but I don't think I need to do that anymore"
I don't believe what she just said, sounds to me like the words on the tongue.
"Has Lukman called you?" She asks
This question strikes me right on my heart, I've wanted to ask her such question but I was holding it in. I shake my head in denial, I don't want to talk because if I do, I might say a wrong word.
"But I told him to call you when he called me yesterday. I don't know what you were, to each other but at least you are carrying his baby. He shouldn't ignore you just like that"
So he does contact her and she told Ummy last time that she didn't know where he is. Now I clearly know I've been nothing to him than his used and dump toy! I hold back my tear that is about to roll down my cheek while I close the wardrobe and head out of my room, she follows me out. Now I want her out of my sight because I don't want her to see my pain. Neither her nor her son worth to see me cry. What a cruel human beings!
She picks up her bowl, "don't worry, I will make him call you. Maybe you can both sort things out. You are a good girl. I didn't know you come from a noble home unlike that girl... Anyway, I will check up on you again tomorrow."
Why again? "I won't be home tomorrow, I will be at Ummy's shop"
"Your mother already told me where her shop is, I will check up on you there"
I feel like behaving rudely to her but I caution myself, "you don't have to ma"
I open the door and she leaves after insisting to check up on me. After she left, I sob quietly thinking of what could have become of me if Ummy should send me there to live with her. My life won't have been the same. Ummy and my brother are really giving me chance to make amendment of my mistake and I will never dissapoint them In'shaa'Allah.
The evening comes, around 6:00pm. No one has arrived. I pace around the house impatiently as I'm feeling uneasy. Thinking I should go to the hospital so I try Ummy's and brother Abdullah's number but both are switched off then I remember Ummy dropped her phone at home and brother Abdullah probably haven't charged his phone. I sit on a bench outside our house anticipating my brother's arrival since Ummy won't be home early today because she has a lot to sell. People passing by our house greet and pray for me as they pass, it's as if the baby will come today. Feeling a cramp below my stomach again, I return into the house. I try to sit on the couch but my back feel an unbearable pain so I sit on the floor, spreading my leg widely, I feel a bit comfortable. I pick my phone again and dial my brother's number but still switched off.
"But Ummy said it isn't time yet. Why all this pain I'm feeling?" I murmur.
Trying to lie down, I notice my cloth has become wet. I smell my cloth to check if it is urine but how could I urinate on my body without knowing. Then I notice another discharge of water from my womb.
"Yeeeeeeee! This is strange o, what is happening to me?" I cry aloud dreading in fear as I check my dress. "Who am I going to call now? And my brother has ordered me not to go out anymore starting from evening. What am I going to do?"
I remember Idayah, so I dial her number.
Before I could talk, she says "hello friend, I was even intending to call you but I was very busy with my baby here"
"Which baby...?"
She interrupts, "my new boyfriend of course!"
"But you said you aren't over Abiodun yet and..."
"See my friend, the only way to get over a guy is to get under another one. I can't kill myself, I've got my own life to live and enjoy"
I stay mute, not knowing what next to say to her. What a wrong analysis! Rewinding the quote in my head, I pity her. Last time she came here crying, she was like "I won't date anymore, I just want to get married!" And now, she is back to her old self. Even though I still don't understand why dating is haram in Islam, I still think there are some circumstances that should make someone give dating up for his or her own betterment.
I hang up the call, forgotten why I even called her... My back starts aching me again, now I remember I'm in pain, I've been distracted. My dress is soaked, I don't understand what is happening but I'm convinced it's time. I try to stand up from my sit but I feel heavy and ache all over my body. Who am I going to call? I try harder and stand on my feet, supporting my back with my hands as I dragg myself into my room to change my dress. While dressing, I hear someone opening the door.
"Alhamdulillah someone has finally arrived"
I put on a small dress and wear the long qimaar my brother bought me. Languidly, I manage reaching the sitting room. My brother storms out of his room and about to pass me by when I quickly hold him.
"I think I'm about to die!" I faintly say
The pain has become severe that I can feel a knife on my throat.
He quickly take hold of me and guide me to sit on a couch.
"Don't you want to give me my money? You better come out" a voice yell from outside.
"Rest your back on this pillow, let me settle this bike man. I'm coming"
On the normal circumstances, I would go out and yell back at the bikman to defend my brother but in this situation I am, I can't dare.
My brother returns panicking, he doesn't know what to do. He keeps asking me the same question again and again,
"Sorry, where is it paining you?"
I watch him as he goes in and out, up and down. I want to laugh but due to my pain, I can't. I manage to tell him to call his friend. He quickly bring out his phone, tapping the screen continuously but nothing shows. Then he remember his phone is off...
"Wait, let me check Iya Ibukun at home" he hurries out.
I don't like the idea of involving Iya Ibunkun but I don't have the choice right now. A car boom in front of our house, I don't know who it can be but I think I will be saved. My brother and Abu Hanifah rush in to help me into the car. The car is new, I want to ask Abu Hanifa if it is his, I want to ask him how he knows we need his assistant but I can't. It's like the pain tie my throat. The pain becomes unbearable that I start groaning. Ummy told me some pregnant women shout, swear, lament and curse when they are experiencing labour pain, instead of doing that she has told me to be brave, groan and make series of dua in this state because it is one of the state when prayer is answered most. Then I remember my last dream, I don't know exactly what it meant but it seems to be bad dream. I start praying for my baby, for Ummy, for brother Abdullah, for Abu Hanifa and for Idayah; these people are the only ones adding to my oxygen.
We arrive at the hospital, I'm rushed into the labour room on a stretcher. I close my eyes and groan softly. I can hear Doctor Zubair hollering at my brother outside.
"You should have brought her early. Where even have your mother been? And you know her situation, she is already weak!... Anyway, I will try my own possible best. You should start praying now"
Doctor Zubair enters and asks me to open my eyes.
"You know what we will do now, Mar'yam? You have to be brave, for the sake of this baby and yours. When I ask you to push, you should use all your energy and please don't be weak. I pray Allah see us through"
I nod.
Albeit I feel like I don't have the energy, I think I can do it!
My thighs are separated and hanged by the two nurses in the room. The word 'push' from Doctor Zubair is like a trigger to my energy. I start pouring all my energy into the push that I start feeling ache in my head. I push, push and push, expecting the baby to come out but she doesn't. I start feeling extremely tired, I tell the Doctor I can't push anymore. He asks me to rest while one of the nurse is ordered to give me an injection.
My memory starts rewinding back to the day I created this problem with Lukman. It was like I knew this would happen, despite my shyly nature, I gathered courage and bought a protection rubber at a pharmacy store, told the lady that someone sent me because I didn't want to be seen as a wayward girl. But Lukman refused to use it and I had to concur. I remember how ecstatic he was that day after we had the sex and he gave me the drug to use. Where is he now when I'm bearing the pain alone? I feel like cursing him at this moment but I remember I'm about to bear his child.
"Ya Allah! Help me!" I cry aloud
Doctor Zubair pets me and asks me to push again. I find it difficult to respond as before. I continue to push until I can't anymore. My body becoming more infirm. my heart beating slower. Cool breezes blowing in, I feel like I want to sleep. I start shutting my eyes...
ESCAPE FROM THE BOTTOMLESS PIT -
Episode 7
Just like every mother in the world, I'm in the pain threshold. I never know whether I will die or live! No wonder Allah says the jannah of every child lies under the feet of his mother. Child labour, an excruciating dilemma!
"Mar'yam! Mar'yam...! Wake up, this isn't the time for you to sleep. You shouldn't give up!" he holds my cheeks as I'm trying to go to sleep.
Hearing his words, I slowly open my eyes as I regain my conscious.
"Um...mmm...mmy!" I begin to cry out aloud.
"Are you sure she is fully dilated?" The doctor asks one of the nurses.
"Yes doctor, 10cm! I'm the one that examined her"
"Nurse Agboola, reexamine her"
He moves closer to me as I feel a hand entering my vagina again, towards the cervix.
"My dear, this isn't a matter of crying but bravery. Can you breath?"
I nod continuously
"Good, now close your eyes and breathe in through your nose... Then purse your lips slightly and breathe out slowly through the small gap in your mouth"
I do as he says and I can feel the pain reducing.
"She is fully dilated sir, in fact, exactly 10cm" says the nurse.
"Alhamdulillah! Now one of you should help her raise her head. Let's try the upright position."
He instructs me to watch my navel and be bearing down with each strong contraction until the baby head is crown, then I should keep breathing through my mouth until the baby is delivered. One of the nurses helps raising my head while I groan as well as push.
"Good! Mar'yam, good! Maa'sha'Allah! The baby's head has crowned! More effort, one more big push and the baby will be out..."
As I'm making more effort, I can feel the baby coming down the birth canal, Alhamdulillah!
The baby finally makes her way out, the umbilical cord is operated!
I learned babies cry when they enter the world but she isn't crying. I become worried, I look at doctor Zubair's face, the expression isn't well. What could this mean? Is she dead?
"Go clean and prepare her" says the doctor, he moves closer to me, "well-done my dear, you will soon hold her in your arms. Now next to the final and critical stage of child labour, you have to deliver the placenta..."
I cut in and fraily say, "I know sir, but please, I want to hold her first"
He asks the nurse to hand her over to me. She is covered with blood, her eyes opening and closing trying to look back at me, I can feel life in her. Alhamdulillah, she is alive. I think I understand what is happening, relating it to my dream, is she dumb? Subhanallah! Tears start rolling from my eyes as I hold her tight to my chest,
"But sir, I think she might cry if they spank her bottom"
"Little nurse, we don't do that anymore. Don't worry dear, remember this is one of the most equipped private hospitals in Nigeria. The neonatal team will take care of her" he smiles but it doesn't console me.
"I cause this doctor, I'm the one at fault" I sob.
"No, you aren't. I know In'shaa'Allah she will cry soon, I've been taking care of her. I don't think there will be any incurable complication" he makes a signal to one of the nurses to collect the baby.
The nurse gives me an injection at my the buttock. I can feel contractions, I feel shaky as I'm labouring again to deliver the placenta. It is still painful, just like before. I pray silently for my baby and finally I'm greeted,
"Congratulations!"
Waking up, I look around, sitting beside and before me are Ummy and Idayah. Judging from the ray of light entering, we are either close to or at the mid day, Alhamdulillah that I live through.
Idayah smiling at me, "my good friend, you are finally awake"
I smile back at her and looking at Ummy, a very broad smile appears on her face. She brings out a food flask and start serving me a hot pap with tea.
"How long have I been sleeping?"
"You were transfered here around 5a.m and this is past 11a.m" says Idayah
"That is 6 hours", remembering what I went through and how I went through it, I remember my child, "where is my baby?"
"She is sound and healthy, the doctor said you shouldn't worry..."
Doctor Zubair enters, grinning "my brave Mar'yam!"
"Doctor, how is she?"
Ignoring my question, he says to my mother, "Ummu Mar'yam, I wish I could let you enter when she was labouring. She was very brave..."
I cut in and ask again, "please sir, how is she?"
He turns to me, "I didn't want to make you sad because of your condition but I think you should know this happened because of the rat poison you ate the other time, thank God I've been monitoring her during the prenatal and Alhamdulillah for this hospital. Anyway, you shouldn't worry anymore, she is now crying, Alhamdulillah. They will soon bring her to you"
Idayah holds my hand and I grin at her. I want to believe she is finally okay as the doctor said but remembering my dream, I'm so scared. Almost all my dream comes true but I've prayed against it! Inna lillah wanna ilaehi raji'un, whatever Allah plans, I support and I'm pleased but,
"Ya Allah, she shouldn't be dumb nor have any complication" I close my eyes and silently pray again.
Brother Abdullah and Abu Hanifa enter with a nurse carrying my baby. She is well dressed and wrapped in a white cotton cloth. Idayah helps me up. I'm so excited to curl her up in my arms. Brother Abdullah collects her from the nurse and wants to hand her to me when Ummy stops him and asks me to eat first. Ummy asks if she has been given a chewed date according to suunah of our beloved Prophet (s.a.w.), brother Abdullah and Abu Hanifa answer coincidentally,
"Yes!"
She also asks if the adhan and iqamah has been called into her ears and brother Abdullah nods - I don't believe he did that because he and Ummy had serious argument about it last week. Brother Abdullah said the hadith that says about calling adhan on the ears of newborns is weak and Ummy argued that the hadith is authentic because the tradition has been practiced for centuries till date. Whether he did it or not, I just pray Allah bless my child fi dunya wal'Akhira.
The nurse leaves and everyone takes a seat. Ummy feeds me because I'm receiving a drip on my right hand. Doctor Zubair continues to joke about what happened during the labour, how brother Abdullah got stressed up and wanted to force his way into the labour room but was stopped by some nurses - I didn't even know that happened! I laugh softly hearing that and he feels embarrassed.
After my meal, I hold my baby. She starts making some tiny squeak as she waves around her hands and legs, then she cries. Even though not loud as I'm expecting but I'm happy to hear the sound.
"Told you our daughter is healthy" says the doctor.
I grin at him, "Alhamdulillah sir, I thought she was dumb"
"Wrong presumption little nurse! If she were dumb, she would cry at birth, we just won't hear the crying sound. If it were so, I won't have been so worried because that is a permanent complication. Also, almost all dumb children are healthy, it's just Allah's rahma upon them. No one ever has the chance to choose how he comes to the world and neither will anyone has the chance to choose how he will leave this world"
I nod in agreement.
Ummy gives me a bowl of water to wash my breast and I start feeding her, for the first time in life. Ummy and I watch her as she tries to put her mouth on the nipple, wants to suck. Allah is indeed The Greatest! She looks cute, adorable and innocent...
After some moments of chitchats, Doctor Zubair leaves to attend to a patient, Ummy, brother Abdullah and his friend leaves for the house. Idayah starts to apologize about not listening to what I had to say when I called her. She says she dropped by our house and saw Ummy who told her I was in the hospital, so she has also been here since yesterday night. We grin at each other and I thank her for always been there. I want to ask about the new boyfriend she said she just got herself but I think this isn't the best moment, I don't want to spoil this good atmosphere... She takes the baby from me,
Staring at my daughter, she says "look how adorable she is, see her smiles! How innocent she looks! Children are the best when they are little then it all changes when they grow up; influences set in, destiny sets in, different factors set in. Then we start to distinguish them by who they start to become. I wish I were a kid forever!"
"Then you should enter my stomach and let me reborn you" I tease.
"Can really you pray to have such of me as a daughter?"
I glare at her, I want to give a negative answer but I can read seriousness on her face. She wants a sincere good answer and I won't like to spoil that, after all, I will say the truth.
"Why not! I will just try and raise you differently, I mean in a better way than how your parents are raising you..."
She interrupts, "you are right, my parents aren't raising me well. I even envy you, you have a good and supportive mother. Also, your only brother is so sweet and adores you. If I were to be lucky to have such family, my first child would have been 3 years old by now. Seeing your daughter now, I wish I never did the abortion..."
"You..." I try to cut in but she continues,
"I didn't tell you how I had my first pregnancy. It was a painful story, so I don't like to relate it. My first ever love was the one that impregnated me. I was dating him since I was in JSS3 and we dated for good 4 years. Then, he just started working after he completed his National Youth Service. Even though he wasn't the only one I was dating but I used to open my legs only to him. I was a bit decent then, wasn't I?" She fakes a smile and continues, "he wanted to marry me but I could never dare talked about marriage at home so he promised to wait for me. He loved and adored me very much and I loved him too. Even I still love him because he was the best guy I ever met. I mistakenly got pregnant for him and my Mum, being a nurse, she detected, tested and confirmed me pregnant. Without letting anyone knew including my father, she discreetly took me to a hospital where the pregnancy was aborted. Then, that my boyfriend broke up with me. And the second time I detected I was pregnant, I went to the hospital straight and did the abortion without telling anyone" tears roll down her cheeks.
I pity her but I don't know how to console her. It is true our environment and societies dictate who we are but my counsellor said we are to be blamed for dancing to any wrong tune our environment are playing to our ears because within us is the power to deliberate and choose what is right or wrong. Is Idayah to be blamed or her parents?
She rubs off her tears, "Mar'yam, come and see something. She has your nose and lips, so adorable!" She says as she touches her lips.
She is trying to move away from the topic and I have to play along. I move closer to her to check, she really has my nose and lips. I check her ears, very curvy and separated; she has Lukman's ears. We both giggle as we check every part of her body, comparing it to Lukman's and mine.
"Tunfulu!" Calls Idayah.
"My own baby isn't tunfulu (a name every newborn is called), She has a name already"
"How?" She asks, surprised
"I've named her since she was 4 months old in my stomach, it is sunnah to name every pregnancy starting from 3 months old" I explain
"I never know"
"Her name is Mutmainah, meaning tranquillity. I pray and hope her life will be full of tranquillity in this life and hereafter"
"What a beautiful name! Hnn.. Won't you mind if I add mine?"
"Let's hear! I already know everyone will give her a name."
"Moyosoreoluwa, you know its meaning; I rejoice to the gift of Allah. How does it sound, cute as her?"
I smile, in fact I like that name, "yes, cute as her! I'm giving her Ibunkunoluwa meaning blessing of Allah"
"Cute! Cute! Cute! We will wait to hear the name others will give her." Touching my daughter's cheeks, "I feel like I'm her mother"
"Aren't you? We will both raise her!" I smile.
"Hnnn... Have you been able to reach Lukman?" She asks.
She finally dulls my mood! "Lukman or who are you asking about? I've even forgotten about him, I don't think I need him anymore in my life. I'm just praying Allah shouldn't take away Ummy and my brother from me!"
I know my response is just half-truth, I wish Lukman was here; I've always thought so every moment I remember him. Now I've become a single mother, what a pitiful life I'm about to live!
"At least, you should let him know..."
I cut in, "how can we let him know when his number is never reachable? I've left every decision to Ummy and my brother, they are to decide how to handle them" I frankly explain.
"I don't mean to infuriate you, anyway, I pray Allah guide us through"
"Ameen"
Doctor Zubair enters, "Mar'yam" he sits, "are you no more worried?"
"Yes sir, thank you"
"Thank Allah, now you are free from the bound and you can start planning how you want to live your life. And mind you, the most foolish person on earth is the one who never learns from his mistake. You know how much I cherish you and I will continue to cherish you in as much as you never give up on trying to stand back on your feet. Also, look at this innocent cute baby, you are the one that will determine if she will be a problem or blessing for you. Girls are cute when they are young and they become cuter when they are adult if you don't handle them wrong. You are a girl yourself, you know what you have been through and I'm sure you understand what I'm trying to say. Like your Abu said to me when you were born, 'I've got another ticket to jannah'" he mimics him, even though I remember little about my Dad but I'm sure he gets his tone, he continues, "despite this mistake you made, I know he will still be proud of you as I am and I pray you will never dissapoint us."
I smile and thank him. Doctor Zubair is also one of the people adding to my oxygen, likewise Idayah, she does makes me feel better.
Seven days after I have given birth is the aqeeqah of my daughter. It is on Sunday! Ummy informs Lukman's mother who comes to our house early in the morning with a he goat. She says she hasn't been able to reach her son lately but she has informed him. Part of me want to see him and part of me never want to, all I know is that I will never fall for such deceit anymore in my life! My brother buys a ram which is slaughtered with the he goat for the aqeeqah. Friends and relatives attend to celebrate with us including my old school mates, and my tutorial class mates; some of them are just here to look at my room and what I've bought for my baby, some are here to witness if the aqeeqah will be up to, below or above their expectations. Whatever the reason that makes them come, I'm still glad they attend and I thank them for that. Being an aqeeqah of a child whose father isn't present, I'm ashamed but I'm happy. Having all these support, I'm very grateful!
By late evening, everyone has already left to their various houses. Idayah has proved to be a true and good friend by staying with me since the day I gave birth till today, I urge her to return home for today which she complies. It now remains my family and Abu Hanifa's wife, Ummu Hanifa. Ummu Hanifa is someone I admire; young and beautiful, religious, modest, also of good character and to crown it all, she is a niqabite. She promises to spend the next three days with me which I'm most grateful of. Being in a company of such a woman, I feel revived.
After my evening bath, sitting in my room with Ummy and Ummu Hanifa, we hear a bang on the door.
"Who could that be?" Ummy asks as she get up to check.
I first think it's Lukman, my heart starts racing faster! But that banging is too rude, I don't think Lukman can behave in such a way. If I know nothing of his character, at least I know of his humble nature. I start looking forward to who is going to enter with Ummy.
"She is in here, you can enter" Ummy ushers the person in; he is my uncle, my father's one and only brother!
"Hope you aren't angry with me, your mother informed me when you were pregnant and when you gave birth but I have been so busy. Even in the next 30 minutes," checking his watch, "I have a flight to catch to Abuja"
Seeing this man, I'm reminded of my father, he is now looking exactly like he looked... I feel like I should knock him dead instantly but I keep my calm.
"Don't worry, we are doing well by ourselves" says Ummy who glares at him.
I like that statement!
"Where is the baby and what is her name?" He asks.
"Her name is Mutmainah and she is already sleeping in her cot" I quickly answer him
"Okay, that means I will be seeing her next time. I have to leave now"
He leaves and Ummy accompanies him out. I start explaining who he is and what he has done to our family to Ummu Hanifa. Expecting Ummy to return on time, she doesn't. So I excuse myself from the discussion to check on Ummy outside. I find Ummy sitting on the pavement, sobbing! What could have happened? I move closer to her and start petting her,
"That pig reminds me of your father..."
"Ummy, don't mind him!" I interrupt.
"He is living in and spending your father's hard earned wealth like Allah isn't watching him. He has forgotten everything is going to be accounted for on the day of judgement" she sobs.
I pet Ummy at the back, urging her to stop sobbing. I understand very deeply why she is crying. I, myself can't stop thinking of my runaway boyfriend not to talk of her thinking of her dead husband.
Ummy wipes her face and gets back inside the house while I still sit outside to get some fresh air. Thinking of my uncle again, I become pissed off. I pray silently to Allah to forgive my father and pay my uncle his wages in full. Then I notice someone pacing in front of our house. There is no light so I'm unable to see who exactly it is. The stature looks like that of Lukman's but I don't think he is the one,
"I've been thinking about him too much today" I murmur.
I rest my forehead on my palms, trying to figure out what is next to do in my life. Then I hear a male voice silently calling my name,
"Mar'yam! Mar'yam"
I think I'm now hearing things so I ignore. I hear him calling again, now clearly so I look up. My heart starts beating faster! Should I ignore and run inside or I stay? Should I cry or jump up in happiness? Contemplating on what to do, I sit still as I'm astonished...
ESCAPE FROM THE BOTTOMLESS PIT -
Episode 8
In an eye distance, standing before me is this handsome figure I ever loved. Even though the whole atmosphere is overwhelmed with darkness, I can visibly see all his handsome body parts; the tall structure, the broad chest, the pretty oval face. He is still the same as before!
I sit still surprised, confused, perturbed and dumbstruck! Is this a dream?
He starts walking slowly towards me. I don't know what to do! He has gone for months which to me are like decades without a farewell. I have been trying to hate him as well as yearning to see him. Here he is, coming right in front of me, what should I do? The only thought of action that could emerge from my brain right now is to run into his embrace...
"Mar'yam! Mar'yam!" Ummu Hanifa calls from inside, she comes out, "your baby is crying"
Now I remember what he has put me through, I don't think I'm ready for this!
He is now close in on me,
"Mar'yam, I..." He tries talking while I walk out on him and inside I go with Ummu Hanifa.
Everyone is already inside, Ummu Hanifa locks the door. I carry my baby from her cot, sit on the bed and start breastfeeding her. Ummu Hanifa enters, removes her niqab and sits beside me. Silence dominates the room while I'm thinking about what just happened. I can still feel myself in love with him. Despite all he has done? I think I'm crazy! I become uncomfortable with the posture I am so I ask Ummu Hanifa to help me support my leg with a stool which she does.
After a long silence, Ummu Hanifa says, "Mar'yam, do you want to talk about that guy?"
I look straight at her, checking inside me if I really want to talk or not... Mutmainah presses her gum on my nipple, it hurts. She has been doing this to me since yesterday and my nipple is becoming red. It is really not easy to be a mother, to care for a child from childhood till adult. Every mother deserves a golden award!...
"Telling from how I saw you both, I can say he is your baby's father"
Yes, my baby's father! Not my husband but my cruel boyfriend! I start feeling this pain in my heart, tears about to roll down my cheeks but I hold back. My baby is fast asleep so I lay her in her cot.
Back to the bed, I make a deep sigh, "he is Lukman, my runaway boyfriend I mean ex boyfriend, Mutmainah's irresponsible father!"
"I'm sorry for touching your sore part but I just think you have to let it out. We are sisters, you can talk to me."
Tears start rolling down my cheeks, conflicting emotions tearing me; I can't understand these feelings but I'm sure I still don't hate him despite what he did to me.
I start weeping silently, "Ummu Hanifa, is it haram to fall in love? Am I guilty of loving him? Why is he so despicable? He knows my heart yet he chooses to deceive me. He chooses to abandon me. All the years we used to date, I thought he loved me but it was all pretence. And now he comes, to do what? What does he want to tell me? What excuse does he want to give?" I ask, gasping in breath and wiping my tears I continue, "do you know what broke my heart most? He said he wasn't sure if he was the one that impregnated me! When he clearly knows I only have him, he deflowered me..." I burst into tears again.
The words are heavy to say for me but I finally let it out, I think I must talk to someone else it keeps weighing on my heart.
She hands me a hand towel, "It's okay! Calm yourself and rub off your tears first"
Sobbing, I wipe my tears with the towel.
"Love! It is called hubb in Arabic! You asked if it is haram to fall in love but no it is not haram to fall in love because Islam itself is love! Love exists in different forms among different people. The most superior and impacting is the love for Allah and His Messenger (s.a.w.) because without this kind of love, other kinds of love can make one confused, therefore leading one astray. From the other existence of love, the most compassionate and beautiful of them is the love that exists between two opposite sex because this is the love that is developed by choice and desire however this kind of love can either save or destroy depends on if it is legal or not. You know what I mean by that?" I nod; legal in marriage and illegal outside marriage, she continues, "in suratul Ar-room verse 21, Allah says 'And among His signs is this that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts). Verily in that are signs for those who reflect.'..." Hearing that verse, I smile at heart, I never know such verse is in the holy Qur'an, I still need a lot to learn about my religion, "...Also the Messenger of Allah (s.a.w.) speaking about his wife Khadija said: 'Verily, I was filled with love for her.' Can you now see Islam doesn't prohibit love?"
"Maa'sha'Allah! I never know, all people used to tell me is that Islam prohibits dating like Islam hates us to love. No one ever tells me Islam promotes love"
"Sure, if you read about love and marriage in Islam. You will love it! Our Prophet (s.a.w.) is the most romantic man in the world"
I burst into laughter, "really?"
"Yes, don't worry Mar'yam. I have many books I can give you to read then you will come to know how love in Islam is very essential"
"I can't wait to read then"
"Now back to what we are saying, even though love isn't prohibited in Islam, Islam provides for us guidance and restrictions so that we won't fall into error. Like you said that people do tell you dating is haram, yes dating is haram! Do you know why?"
"No"
"Because dating is an haram relationship, dating isn't marriage..."
I cut in, "but dating is preparation of oneself for marriage, you got to know who he is, you got to know his character, you got to know if you are compatible or not! If we don't date, how will we know our Mr right?"
She smiles and shakes her head, "Mar'yam, there are still many things you don't know... Let me first start from what Allah says that makes dating haram, in suratul al-isra verse 32, Allah says 'and do not go near zina (fornication/adultery); surely it is an indecency and an evil way'. You note the word 'do not go near zina'! You should first know that any romantic act done between two opposite sex without marriage is zina and zina is one of the biggest sins in Islam. We are now in a society where common senses are no more common, where immoralities are being promoted and becoming common sense. Even though sometimes love erupts from human's heart like a volcano, he has no control over it because every heart is in Allah's hand, he will not account for it else he pursue it in an unlawful way that is, the only way to pursue it lawfully is marriage. But kids nowadays who aren't ready for marriage claim they fall in love and start pursuing it. They claim they want to practice it before they get married. They engage in different haram activities like being alone with each other, touching, gazing, hugging and kissing; aren't those the 'do not go near zina' Allah commands us? And bit by bit, they start coming near zina and finally they lead themselves to sexual inter course which is the biggest zina!..."
"But what if one doesn't engage in those I mean one try and keep it halal" I interrupt
"Keep dating halal? Tell me how many people engaged in this haram relationship and are able to keep it halal. Haven't you tried that yourself?"
I take a deep sigh. It is true. I tried to keep it halal but Lukman couldn't let me...
"Love is a feeling that grows and increases in affection everyday especially when there is contact maybe by seeing each other or hearing from each other. Then tell me how going near zina won't happen and eventually engaging in zina?" Her voice becoming louder.
"Please lower your voice, this is past ten"
"I'm sorry, I'm just trying to let you get my view."
"Don't be ma, I'm very happy to hear these explanations. At least many things are becoming clearer to me. Please continue"
"At first you start touching each other when Rasul s.a.w. said 'It is better for one of you to be pierced by a steel pin in his head than to touch the hand of a woman who is not lawful to him', not to talk of body. Then you start being alone together claiming you want privacy for yourself when the Prophet s.a.w said whenever a man and a woman are alone in a place shaytan is the third, that is, shaytan will start whispering to you different words like 'wow! She is beautiful in person', 'I like how her lips moves when she talks, I want to kiss it', 'see that broad chest, I want to rest on it', shaytan will then push you to action some day. Also, from there, you start spending nights together when the prophet s.a.w said 'Behold, no person should spend the night with a woman, but only in the case he is married to her or he is a mahram'... See Mar'yam, even if you fall in love at the wrong time when you aren't ready for nikkah, you should take heed and run away from it because this kind of love is lustful and destructive..."
I cut in, "just like mine"
She nods, "and when you fall in love at the right time, I mean when you are ready for marriage then you shouldn't hesitate in getting married else you fall into error! Rasul s.a.w said 'We do not think that there is anything better for those who love one another than marriage'. Love before marriage is like an ailment, disease whose only remedy and medicine is to get married, if the marriage is delayed then you fall into error; this is why courtship also is prohibited in Islam..."
"Courtship prohibited? The dating issue is now clear but courtship! Will I marry someone I don't know without courting him for some years to know his character?" I interrupt.
"You should let me land before you pick me up! Okay, let me ask you this question. Will you like to choose for yourself or Allah should choose for you?"
"Ah! It is better Allah chooses for me"
"Good! When you know that, why do you insist on courting him for months or years to know his character before getting married? You should know by now that men are good pretenders! I've seen couples who courted for four years and divorced after a year of their marriage because they realised their characters aren't compatible. Isn't four years enough to know each other's character? You should go to the US and see how married couples that dated for many years before marriage issue each other divorce letter like a handbill..."
Seems I can now reason. I dated Lukman for three years and I never know he drinks, smokes and engages in many illicit acts. He even had many girlfriends which I didn't know because every time we were together and I checked his phone, I used to find my picture on his phone wallpaper, he even saved my number with my rare gem! How deceitful men are!
"...instead of courting and relying on our intellects alone, we should seek Allah's guidance by performing istikhara. Istikhara is a prayer recommended by our beloved Prophet s.a.w. to seek Allah's guidance in whatever we want to do that we aren't sure of. When you are ready to get married and you find a man of your choice, before you accept his proposal, you should perform istikhara. Some scholars say it should be done for the minimum of three days and maximum of seven days and some say the days aren't limited. So, when you do your istikhara, you have put your matter in the hands of Almighty Allah azza wa jal to decide for you. Then He will guide you, it is not necessary you dream or see a sign but you will surely be guided and know if he is good for you or not. So, if there is any hidden character you won't be pleased of that could hinder your marriage, you will surely see it. Therefore you shouldn't outsmart yourself and think you can know if he is your Mr right by yourself else Allah will proof to you that He is The Guidance. Also, courting is just like dating because during the time of knowing each other you start spending times together and going near zina and eventually you find yourself engaging in zina!"
"That means if we are in love when we are not ready for marriage, we shouldn't go for it and if we are in love when we are ready for marriage, we shouldn't delay marriage but hurry to get married. All these are to keep one from going near zina and engaging in zina which are sinful!"
"Yes! And true love starts after nikkah because this is when your love becomes an act of worship, everything you do to each other becomes legal and when you are able to please each other, you earn rewards from Allah."
"Now I understand why dating is haram..."
She cuts in, "you know most kids nowadays think once they are mature, they have to date because that is the only way they think they could get married. And they do not see going near zina and zina as sin, they will tell you in as much as we promised to marry each other..."
She got me. That was my thought when I was dating Lukman!
"...most have even seen zina as a modern trend, fun! Subhanallah! A girl who starts dating at the age of 14, she has a boyfriend who promises to marry her in the nearest future maybe when she reaches 25 years of age. So, they date, have sex maybe for two years then for one reason or the other they break up. She is now 16 and she picks up another guy, dates a year then break up again. At 17, she picks up another guy and breaks up again till she reaches 25 and with each guy, she has sex! Now tell me how many guys would have had sex with her before she gets her Mister right? Most girls nowadays can't even count the number of guys that have entered their sacred holes, subhanallah! They have forgotten Allah is counting it for them and they are going to account for it in the Akhira. Islam is a religion of all season and reason, we Muslims are rightly guided, we should deviate from such a crazy trend. So, every Muslims that have been engaging in any illicit act should know they are sinning, they should start desisting now else it is late for them!"
Having boyfriends is really a crazy modern trend, I remember when I was in secondary school, each time my friends are talking about their boyfriends and I tell them I don't have a boyfriend yet. They used to laugh at me! Everyone believes once you are matured, you should have a boyfriend! Virginity is now a mockery feature, It is really crazy! The world is becoming crazy!
I take a deep sigh!
"It is funny because immoralities and sins are becoming common and righteousness is becoming strange; contradicting common sense! I just pray Allah save this Ummah from this modern fitnah!"
"Ameen ooo" I say.
"I'm already feeling sleepy, we will continue some other time... Stand up, let me dust the bed"
She dusts the bed three times and we lie side by side. Thinking of what she said, I wish I were told earlier maybe I wouldn't have fallen into this pit. Maybe if it weren't Lukman but a partner who wants to keep it halal like I had wanted maybe it would be different... but still like she said we would just be moving closer to zina gradually because I won't have minded him touching me, hugging me and kissing me which are sins on their own and one day, in the process of engaging in those sins we will move closer to the biggest sin! Subhanallah! I don't think I will ever date anymore in my life, so help me Allah.
"But Ummu Hanifa..." I turn to my left to talk to her but she has fallen into a slumber and starts snoring loudly.
I giggle and murmur "so a beautiful lady like her can be snoring at sleep, so hilarious. I could never imagine that".
I want to ask her how she met Abu Hanifa but I can't interrupt her peaceful moment. I tap her to change her position, the noise reduces but she still snores softly.
I check on my baby and return to bed, I'm fast asleep.
Three days have passed, my brother has returned to school. Ummy Hanifa has returned to her husband's house. Ummy has hurried to shop immediately after fajr solat; she has to earn for our upkeep. Being alone with my baby at home, I can't help but think. Thinking about my life, my baby's life and my future, how will I ever escape this pit? how will I ever rise again? I check on my Nokia phone again, I can't count the number of times I've been checking it since I've woken up this morning; Lukman still hasn't called! I wonder why? After I walked out on him that day, I've expected him to run after me or bang our door, seeking my audience. I checked my phone several times maybe he will call or text me but I've seen nothing. How is it so easy for him when I'm even finding it difficult to hate him? I think I never mean anything to him.
"He doesn't even bother to see her daughter" I say aloud as I break into a snigger.
This rumination suppressing me into a melancholy, wrapping me in a complete sadness, I start sobbing greatly. Feeling a severe pain in my heart like it is dunked in an hydrochloric acid, arrays of regrets choking me. I beat my chest severally, my whole body soaking in perspiration, tears streaming from my eyes, mucus slippering from my nose, how I wish...
Hearing Mutmainah crying from my room, I quickly rub off my tears and hurry inside. I carefully carry her from the bed while I sit to suckle her, she immediately stops crying and starts looking at me. I clean my face and smile at her, she smiles back at me. Her smiles radiating diamonds of happiness, I feel contented and happy.
"My Mutmainah, you are just 10 days old and you are already making Mummy happy. Thank you my dear"
I place her mouth on my nipple and she gently sucks...
"Asalam'alykum ooo, Iya baby" the person opens the door.
I don't even know I didn't lock the door, "who is that?"
"You don't recognize your friend's voice?"
It is Idayah with her younger sister.
"Is this not my name sake, Mar'yam?" I ask.
Mar'yam grins and greets me.
"You still remember her?" Asks Idayah
"Eheheh! Big girl don come ooo, she was very small when you brought her to our school that time"
"That was like five years ago. My sister is now a big girl."
I ask her to sit on the stool and Idayah sits on the bed beside me.
"You know she is in a boarding school, she just came home to spend her holiday. I told her my friend who is her name sake just put to bed so she stubbornly insisted to follow me"
"I would have fought you if you don't bring her... Maa'sha'Allah! This girl is completely different from you Idayah, look at her dress"
"You don't know, she is Alhaja Mar'yam, the most religious woman on earth."
Mutmainah sleeps while suckling, Mar'yam carries her and places her on her laps. I keep looking at Mar'yam where she sits; she is wearing a long skirt and Long sleeved shirt with a hijab covering her bossom. I wish I could go back to the time when I was like her.
"But why is Mar'yam so completely different from you and your elder sister?" I ask
"She has just been a lucky girl. Due to my mother's tight schedule at the hospital when she was a kid and wanted to start schooling, she had to enroll her in a boarding school and since then she has been living her live in boarding schools. Luckily for her, the boarding secondary school she is now is strictly an Islamic school."
"Maa'sha'Allah, since you are attending an Islamic school you should know about whom we are named after"
"Of course, it is Mar'yam, the mother of Jesus. She was very pious and religious. My school mother always advises me not to bear her name alone but emulate her good character, piety and righteousness..." Mar'yam explains
I watch her as she talks, I could sacrifice my remaining lifetime on earth just to be in her shoe.
"Maa'sha'Allah! I will love it if you can fulfil that"
"Told you she is Alhaja Mar'yam, now that she is around, no one can escape her lecture at home including our Dad"
Mar'yam hands me my daughter and excuse herself to the toilet. Idayah continues to tell me more about her; what she uses to lecture them about at home, how she bangs everyone's door during fajr solat time, how she fasts every Monday, Thursday and white days of the Islamic months, she is even memorizing the holy Qur'an! Maa'sha'Allah! This is who I would have become, I envy her!
Mar'yam enters, "Sister Mi" she makes a long worried face, "I'm... Don't worry"
"Talk now" says Idayah.
"Nothing, just don't worry!"
"Okay, have your seat then" I say
"I can't sit anymore, please I want to remain standing"
"Why should you stand? What happen?" Idayah asks
She sighs, "I think I just see my menses"
"Menses? You mean your first menstruation?... My sister is now completely big ooo, you have now become a Lady"
"Hasn't she be doing it before?" I ask.
"I just see it today, today is my first time" she replies.
"Is that why you choose to stand? You don't want to stain your
cloth? Abeg, sit down! I have some new underwear pants and pads I can give you. You should feel at home, you are also my sister"
I open my wardrobe and give her a new pant and a pad. She goes into the bathroom to clean herself and change.
Returning to the room, "thank you sister, Jazaakillah Khairan"
"Wa antum fajazaakumullah Khairan... Now that you just start menstruating, there are some things you don't know. As from now, you shouldn't let any man touch you, else you will become pregnant..."
Idayah cuts in, "and any man shouldn't see your nakedness else you become pregnant"
She giggles, "that is old tales sisters, you want to scare me? Remember I'm now in SSS2 and I did integrated science during my JSS and now I'm doing biology"
We all burst into laughter. That tales even didn't work on me, I don't expect it to work on her.
"Don't worry sisters, this body is sacred and the most expensive treasure on earth which is meant for only one person. Do you know who it is?"
"Who?" Idayah and I ask coincidentally, although I know who she is trying to say.
"My Habeeb! My one and only husband"
I clap my hands for her and Idayah joins. I really like her in fact I love her for the sake of Allah. I pray she is never misguided.
We all laugh our breath out...
"Asalam'alykum" I hear a knock from the door.
"Wahlykum salam warahmatullah wabarakaatuhu" we all chorus.
"please enter" I say.
I don't know who it is but it is a female's voice...
Enter Lukman's mother and her son...
ESCAPE FROM THE BOTTOMLESS PIT -
Episode 9
He walks in with his Mum.
"Asalam'alykum" he greets.
My heart starts pounding. I don't get the feeling! It's like I'm afraid but of what? I don't know.
Idayah and Mar'yam respond to his teslim while I stay mute. Trying to avoid his gaze, I carry my daughter from the bed...
"Isn't this room too hot?" Says his mother as she takes the baby from me.
I try to get up when I notice her signaling to her son.
"Please Mar'yam, we have to talk" pleads Lukman.
A sudden rage erupts in me, I want to shout down at him and defy him but seeing the people around me, I keep myself calm and sit back. At least, I deserve an explanation!
Idayah looks at me, I understand that look; she wants me to decide if they should excuse us or not.
"Idayah, help me get a soft drink for Mar'yam from the fridge. I should entertain my new sister..."
She interrupts, "so, I don't deserve to be entertained?"
"Get one for yourself too and for Mummy. I will meet you in the sitting room"
As Idayah and I talk, I glance at Lukman as he is peeking at my daughter from his mother's arms. He looks back at me, I give him a threatening glance. Everyone goes into the sitting room leaving Lukman and I in my room. I rest my back on the bedstead and fold my arms, looking down so as to avoid eye contact. I don't know how but I think I'm clearheaded right now.
"Can I have a seat?" He asks.
"If you want to" I frankly respond
He tries to sit on the bed beside me when I object and order him to sit on the stool. After all, this is my room!
Sitting on the stool, he says, "can you please look at me?"
"I'm okay like this"
"Ehmm... I'm sorry! I don't know what to say to you but I know I've offended you and I'm sorry"
Furious, I snort, "is that all you have to say?"
"What else do you want me to say than I'm sorry..."
I interrupt, "Don't I deserve an explanation?" I turn and face him, "Lukman, it is either you start talking or start walking!"
"Even if I explain, you won't understand. So just accept my apology"
"Then you should start explaining and let me decide if I will understand or not. I think discussion should bring mutual clarity"
He moves closer to me and holds my hands, "you know I love you Mar'yam and I know you love me too. Let's just put every fault aside and forgive me"
Remembering what Ummu Hanifa told me about a boy touching a non related girl, I become infuriated. Even though, I have sinned with him and bore his daughter, I'm still not his wife so he has no right to touch me, not anymore.
I remove my hand from his, "you still don't get it, do you? What we have was nothing but a dalliance! And I won't tolerate that anymore... You even said you weren't the one that impregnated me, then why are you here?"
"Mar'yam, this is very unlike you. This isn't you talking! I know you are saying this because you are angry with me. Yes, I said that but I'm sorry. I know how much you've been through and I'm sorry for that. It's just that I wasn't also myself that time. I know I'm the one at fault that is why I'm here seeking your forgiveness. Please, for our daughter's sake" he drops on the ground, kneeling.
I become confused, why? Is it because of our daughter he mentioned or because he is kneeling before me? Either of the reasons, I won't be easily swayed!
"Stop messing with my head Lukman! You said you know what I've been through, what do you really know? If I've died from the poison I ate because of what you have put me through, who will you be begging now? My grave? For almost eight months, you didn't contact me, I bear the burden alone, I bear the pain alone. And here you are, begging!" I stand from my sit, "For what? For what, Lukman? For what precisely?"
The room suddenly becomes hot and I start sweating. He rises from his kneeling and stands before me. He tries to hug me and I push him away.
"I don't have a say to this Lukman, my Mum and my brother do!" I walk out on him.
Getting into the sitting room, Idayah is holding my daughter and Mar'yam is sleeping on a couch. I hurry back into Ummy's room and lock myself in. I breathe in and out, I don't know where I found that courage to say all those words to him but I'm proud I said it...
"Has my Mum gone?" I hear Lukman says from the sitting room.
"Yes, she said she has to supply her customers" I hear Idayah says.
Then it becomes silent, I think he should have gone. I sit on Ummy's bed for a while, smiling to myself when I hear him talking again.
"I didn't know you are Mar'yam's friend. Anyway, help me tell her I've gone and I will give her a call"
Afterwards, I hear the door opens and closes. He has left!
I come out of Ummy's room, into the sitting room. I sit on a sofa, next to Idayah.
Idayah smiling at me, I frown!
"What's with that smile?" I ask.
"I hope you guys have sorted things out, your love is back!" She says with enthusiasm.
"Love, my butt! Did he tell you that? We haven't sorted anything out o, in fact I won't sort anything with him"
"Ahah! Why that?... Don't tell me this is the first time you are seeing him since he has returned... By the way, has your mum seen him?"
"This is the second time but the first time I'm giving him a chance to talk and no one has seen him yet. He was pleading to me but I told him Ummy and my brother have the final say on that"
"Men are cruel o, I heard he has been around now going to a week and he is just visiting! You should have told me that, I would have destroyed that pretty face of his"
I smile.
"But to say the fact, now that I take a close look at him, Mutmainah resembles him much. May be because his face looks girlish, it's like he is divided into two"
I stare at Mutmainah where she is laid,
"How can you resemble a father that denied you, why can't you resemble only me?"
"When you let him discharged before you" says Mar'yam as she rises from sleep. We both focus on her, "My school mother told us that during sex, if the lady get excited first and discharged, the baby will resemble her most"
I giggle, "your school mother teaches you sex education?"
"Ah...! Not like that" she waves her hands in air in denial, "she just used to discuss with us about status of women in Islam, how valuable we , our virtue and our position as the mother of the Ummah. That just came in when she narrated an hadith to us... Ehn..." She looks up, thinking, "I don't remember how the hadith goes but that was her explanation"
Although I have no idea of the hadith she is saying but I'm amused at Islam for touching such area. Islam is really the religion of all seasons and reasons as Ummu Hanifa has said.
We all have some pleasurable discourse. It is nice to meet Mar'yam; someone who is in the better past I would ever want to return to for the price of several heaps of gold.
Later in the evening, Ummy has returned from shop. I've had my nifas bath in the morning so I'm now clean to perform solat. After ishai solat, I serve her dinner. I watch her as she eats, I want to tell her Lukman came but I don't know how to. She hasn't mentioned him to me since I gave birth which makes me clueless of what she is thinking. I know it hasn't been easy for her, she is just holding it, she doesn't want to hurt me... Mutmainah starts crying and Ummy asks me to bring her.
Checking inside her diaper, "she has defecated, bring me a bowl of water and throw this away" she says as she removes her diaper. "Bring me another diaper"
I return with a diaper and I watch her as she is diapering her. I still don't know how to do that perfectly as her...
"Heard Lukman came" says Ummy
Surprised, "y... yes"
"His Mum called me"
"I'm sorry Ummy, I've wanted to tell you but looking for the right word and time"
"Don't be, what did he tell you?"
"He was just apologizing"
"Have you forgiven him?"
"Never will I, despite all he has done to me. I don't think I can ever forgive him!" I clamour
She is now through with Mutmainah, looking at her, she says, "then let's kill this innocent child"
"What did you say Ummy?"
"Let's kill her so that you won't have any cause to forgive him"
"Ah! Ummy!" I exclaim
She gently places Mutmainah in the couch and covers her with a thick-cottoned cloth.
She glares at me where I'm standing and makes a deep sigh, "sit down Mar'yam"
I sit and she continues, "what you did isn't pleasing to me because I tried and raised you diligently. With all my efforts on you, I could never imagine seeing you in this state. I've always thought you will follow your brother's footstep; isn't your brother handsome enough to have many girlfriends?"
I nod in agreement and start looking down. My brother is really very handsome, I can never deny that... But comparing him with Lukman, I don't know who is more handsome. I want to smile then I come back to my senses, I must be very silly for thinking of Lukman again.
"Are you with me?" She asks
"Yes ma"
"I said how many girls have you seen him with since he has matured? Your brother is now 25 years old, how many girls have you known with him"
"None ma" I reply
"Even when he was in secondary school that many girls in his class did want to flock around him, some used to come here to borrow his class notes just because they want to be closer to him, still he took none of them as a friend not to talk of girlfriend. So, whose footstep are you following? I've been keeping quiet because I don't want to hurt you but I think the truth must be told and the fact must be said. Who has been your role model Mar'yam?"
I remain dumb, I don't know what to say because no one was my role model but my inner shaytan. My heart racing faster, Ummy barely talks to me in this manner and whenever she does, I end up crying my eyes out.
"Anyway, the deed is already done! And like I told you the other time, this is just a bend in your life and not the end. In as much as you are alive you still have the chance to struggle and straighten your life again but how, depends on you. There is no point in not forgiving him because you already have a tie that binds you both together..." She points at Mutmainah, "That is why I talked about killing her because if only there isn't her, you can decide to do anything you want with him, even you can curse him but you should remember that what goes around comes around. However, there is Mutmainah, you have no other option than to forgive and forget"
Tears well up in my eyes. Even though I don't hate him for what he did, I still do feel the pain.
"This isn't the time for you to cry, you have a long way to go. Now, tell me what your plans are?"
I rub my face with the back of my hands and sit right.
"I'm thinking of obtaining next year jamb and start pursuing my dream but I'm scared. People always talk about how difficult and hectic the course is, I'm afraid Ummy."
"You don't have to be afraid. Your dream is a path you wish to take, you are afraid because it is an unknown path but how will you see the beautiful things waiting for you ahead of the path if you are afraid? So, all you have to do is to take the first step and pray Allah guides you through your tour of the path"
I smile, "thank you Ummy. In'shaa'Allah I won't dissapoint you anymore. I will always be a good girl from now on and I pray Allah grant you long life to reap the fruit of your labour"
"Ameen, ameena ya Allahu" she says.
Hearing a continuous knock on the door,
"who is that?" I say
"Asalam'alykum, it's me Lukman!"
My heart sinks, I want to hide but I can't...
"Wahlykum salam warahmatullah wabarakaatuhu, you can enter" says Ummy.
He enters and abruptly prostrates flatly in front of Ummy,
"I'm very sorry ma, I know I've offended you greatly ma, I know I've sinned ma, I know I've made a grave mistake ma. I have no explanation to justify myself but all I can say is I'm very sorry ma. Please forgive me ma, I'm very sorry..." Pleads Lukman.
He keeps uttering every words of apology and Ummy keeps looking at him where he lies; maybe amused or surprised...
"It's okay, you can now get up..."
He interrupts, "let me remain like this ma"
Ummy leans forward and pulls him up, "you can have your seat"
He sits on the sofa across me, "thank you ma"
Ummy glances at me and I start looking down, she looks at Lukman.
"So, you are Lukman?" Asks Ummy
"Yes ma" he replies.
"Do you know you are a criminal and you deserve to be jailed"
"I'm very sorry ma" he tries to kneel.
"You don't have to do that, remain on your seat! Ìkúnlè ò kín sèwà (kneeling doesn't indicates a good behavior). You impregnated my daughter and ran away, have you heard she almost died? So if she had died, would you have come here? I bet I would never got to see you!"
"I'm sorry ma"
"You are sorry for yourself, not me! Anyway, although you offended me as you said but I've long forgiven you ever since Mutmainah was born safe and sound and my daughter also remain safe and sound. I've got no reason to harbour your hatred in my heart. I will just advise you to deviate from your bad ways and be a good boy"
"I will ma, thank you ma"
"It's okay but you still owe someone your apology, her brother."
"Okay ma, thank you ma"
Ummy stands up, "I'm going in to sleep, I have to wake up early tomorrow. You shouldn't forget to lock the door when he is gone and you also shouldn't stay up late."
She goes to her room.
I'm happy for how Ummy scolds him. I'm also excited seeing him apologizing several times like an obedient dog, which could make a cat laugh!
He stands from where he sits and moves closer to me, he sits beside me and I move away from him leaving a distance between us.
"Now that your Mum has forgiven me, have you also forgiven me?"
"You should be thankful to Ummy and Mutmainah, if not for their sake, I am supposed to curse you."
"Ah Mar'yam! You shouldn't do that! I'm sorry ehn, I'm sorry"
"Okay, I've forgiven you"
"Oh! Thank you my dear"
He carries Mutmainah from the couch, "Iya wale (wale's mother) said she has my ears and I want to check"
"Who is Iya wale?" Your Mum?"
"Yes, my Mum. Don't you know I bear Wale, Olawale."
"I just know you bear Ola, I don't know it is from Olawale. I never know much of you, even those I know have started disappearing because all I knew about you were lies. You are an horrible person, very deceitful, too cruel to be a human being"
"I've told you I'm sorry. I know I'm bad but I'm ready to change. Please!"
I give him a sideway glance... He tries unwrapping the cloth around Mutmainah but can't because he doesn't know how to handle her.
"Do you want to drop her? When you don't know what it takes..."
He cuts in, "Mar'yam, I will accept anything you say to me. Just don't curse me"
I carries Mutmainah from him and unwrap the cloth. He sits beside me taking a good look at her.
"She has my forehead too... She is sleeping but I guess she has my eyes".
"No, she has my eyes not yours" I argue.
"Iya Wale said she has my eyes. Don't you see she resembles me more?"
"I know she resembles you more but she has my eyes and lips"
He looks closely at her lips, "wow! I didn't see that before" he kisses her on her lips.
I smile, I'm happy!
"Mum has told you to go to bed on time so don't let me hold you up. I will check up on you tomorrow"
"In'shaa'Allah" I say
"In'shaa'Allah" he repeats.
I lay Mutmainah back on the couch and walk him out of the door.
"Are you heading back already?" He says
"You know I now have a baby, I don't have the time for the long walk anymore"
"Just to that junction please, are you still angry with me?"
"I'm not! Okay, just to that junction!"
Accompanying him, I walk with him down the road, down the usual road we used to walk holding our hands when we were dating. I feel like I should hold his hand and cling to him like I used to but I don't want to...
"Now we have reached the junction." He says.
I turn back to go when he says to me, "why are you in a hurry? The baby is already asleep, just listen to what I have to say"
I turn again and stand in front of him, arms folded, "I'm listening"
He clears his throat, "once again, I'm sorry! You should know I still love you and only you have my heart..."
I interrupt, "love again? This is the same love you used to mention to me those times. And did I hear you say only me?" I giggle and clap my hands in pity, "what of Tawa? Atleast she is living with you and she is practically your wife. See, my eyes are now opened, I can't fall for your deceit anymore, never and ever, okay?"
"See, let me explain"
I put my hands on my waist, "okay, I'm listening"
"Do you remember those times when you used to deny me sex? One day I was at one of my friend's house and my stomach was aching me. My friend insisted I relieved myself from it so he called Tawa to come. I told him I have a girlfriend and I don't want to cheat on her but he convinced me that Tawa was just a go-stop girl that all she just wanted was to be paid and he told me not to worry about the payment because he would pay her. I agreed that day since it would just be once. So, she came to my Mum later that she was pregnant for me. I wasn't sure if I were the owner so I denied the pregnancy but Mum insisted to accept her but on the condition that she will leave when the child clocks a year. The child has clocked a year last month and she is still there. I know Iya Wale doesn't want to send her away because she has been of help to her but I will make sure she leaves very soon."
I make a deep sigh! Hearing his side of story, I feel relieved somehow, somehow I don't know. I want to believe it, I hope he is saying the truth...
He leans forward and hugs me. Perceiving his body odour, it's been a while...
ESCAPE FROM THE BOTTOMLESS PIT -
Episode 10
Enveloped in his warm embrace, his sweet smell won't stop piercing my nose. My heart beating in excitement, I used to love this smell, his aftershave's smell. No wonder he looks more handsome!
"I'm sorry dear, I'm sorry! You are my only love, my angel, my rare gem!" He mutters in my ears.
A cheeky smile appears on my face, he is back again with his sweet talks but I can't deny it, I feel ecstatic. I feel like I should stay in his arms forever but I have no right to do that. I'm sinning again!
I gently pull myself from his hug, "Lukman, you don't have the right to be touching me anyhow. This should be the last time please"
I wish I could walk away immediately I utter those words to show my seriousness but I feel reluctant to do so, I just want to stay more.
"What do you mean? You are my wife already, we have a daughter!" He curiously asks
"Wife? Or what have I heard? Is that how you marry a wife in your family..?"
He interrupts, "please don't insult my family, this is only you and I talking"
"I'm sorry if that seems to you as an insult but that is what you are saying. We sinned together, I have a child for you out of wedlock, that doesn't make us husband and wife Lukman! We are just zina-mates! Zina-partners!" I angrily expound.
"Calm yourself... Okay, will living with me make you my wife?"
I become impatient, how can he be so naive about marriage like this? "No! What can make me your wife is only nikkah. Do you have what it takes to be a husband now?"
He giggles, "what else does it takes than what I've been giving you and if it is money, your Mum and Iya Wale is there. I'm also not lazy, I will cater for you"
What he has been giving me, does he mean sex?...
"I can't believe I fall in love with like of you Lukman, you are so obnoxious."
"Are you insulting me now?"
"No, I'm not" I stand still, thinking... "Heard you were rusticated"
His countenance changes, "who is telling you that? Idayah?"
"Who matters? Will you go and beat that person up?"
"Will you believe her over me?" He yells much like an angry thunder.
"Why shouldn't I believe anybody over you when all you ever told me are lies" I yell back.
My courage dissolves, I shouldn't have touched that area. He turns back and forth boiling in anger. Fear written all over my face...
"I'm sorry for yelling at you. It's just that people have been passing such rumour about me around the street for years. They do say I'm a cultist, I was rusticated, some even do say I'm on the wanted list at school. However I will tell you nothing but the truth. I won't deny it. I'm a bad boy like you've heard. When I was in 200 level, I was approached by the cultists but I declined their offer because I'm the only child Iya Wale has and I don't want to make her cry. Since then, they have been threatening me one way or the other even there was a day I almost became one of them. I was coming from the lecture room when some group of guys holla at me and beckoned on me, as a boy I answered them and we greeted. They asked me to buy them alcohol and they followed me to a supermarket where I bought them one. They insisted I follow them so I could drink from it, I was about to succumbe when I received a call from my room mate that my Mum was around and she didn't want to stay long so they had no choice but to release me. When I got home I realized it was a prank to get me out of there because someone had informed my roommate about what those guys were planning to do to me; they wanted to initiate me. They keep threatening me by spreading rumors about me on campus that I've joined them, they even stole my I.D card and dropped it in one of their crime scenes." He places his hands on my shoulder, I shrug them off, "it's okay if you insist I shouldn't touch you anymore. Anyway, to cut the story short, I'm not a cultist Mar'yam, I never join them."
"What about the rustication?" I softly ask.
"To avoid their threats, I started missing classes and tests. So I had three carryovers in my 300 level and four carryovers in my 400 level which supposed to be my final year. Thank God, I've done the carryovers remaining the two carryovers I will do this second semester. Then I will serve and secure a good job afterward"
I look straight into his eyes, trying to read if he is lying again or not. He smiles.
"Can I believe what you just said?" I ask
"I've said nothing to you but the truth. Will you then marry me?"
Words get stuck in my throat, I don't know what I should say in response. I've never thought of getting married so soon even though I now have a child, I still feel like I'm single. Now that much about him is now clear to me, I don't think he is an ideal husband I ever want in my life.
"I... I...m... I'm not sure... I have to go now, my baby might have been crying"
I hurriedly leave him before he could say another word. I've stayed longer than I expected, I just pray Ummy doesn't notice I haven't returned.
I quietly open the door and creep in. I go straight to the couch where I lay Mutmainah but she is no more there. I hurry inside my room and see her lying peacefully in her cot, sleeping. Ummy must have moved her. I watch her for a while as she smiles in her sleep, I hope she is having a sweet dream. I carry her to the bed and put her beside me. I keep watching her until I fall asleep.
I just prayed fajr solat, reading my Qur'an Ummy enters and sits on the bed. While sitting, I turn to her when she beckons to me to finish my recitation. Mutmainah starts making some tiny noise, she wants to cry. Ummy carries her from the bed and starts singing lullaby for her,
"Mutmainah konkolo, Olorun lobunmi kogbowo!
Allahu lobunmi kogbobi!
Jowo, mogbaa lowo mi, laa ilailallahu la ilailallah"
Meaning, "my little Mutmainah, it's God that gifted you to me without collecting money!
It's Allah that gifted you to me without collecting kolanut!
Please (ya Allah) don't take her away from me, la ilailaallahu la ilailaallah"
I smile at the song, I don't know much lullaby because I'm the last child. Now I've learnt another one.
Done with my recitation, I say teslim to Ummy. She replies and prays for me. I look at Mutmainah lying on her laps, she is already sleeping. Lullabies do work on babies! "Come and sit beside me" she orders.
I obey
"Do you know you spent good 1 hour outside with Lukman yesterday? I knew when you to entered this house"
I didn't know I was caught, I feel ashamed!
"See Mar'yam, you are now 18 years of age and a mother for that matter. You are no more that little girl I used to seize her phone because I was trying to protect her. The only way to protect you now is to talk into your head. I think you supposed to have learnt your lessons now. Just because I asked you to forgive him doesn't mean you should continue the illicit relationship with him. Don't sell yourself cheap! Or do you want to pack to his place?"
I quickly kneel in front of her, "no Ummy, no! Please don't send me there. I didn't know I spent so much time with him yesterday, we were just discussing. Walahi, nothing happened between us..." remembering he hugged me, I stop talking and starts sobbing.
"Remember if you weren't pregnant, you would have been almost through with your first year in the university by now. You should be wise and borrow yourself an utmost sense, don't find yourself repeating the same mistake. I don't know what you have for each other but you shouldn't let your emotion cloud your judgement. Let your ambition be your utmost priority. If you are going to him, let us know now and we will send you there. Don't make us waste money on you"
Hearing Ummy's words, I'm disappointed in myself. I can't believe I was reconsidering Lukman despite all I've gone through because of him. I hate myself.
I continue to sob while Ummy places Mutmainah gently on the bed and leaves for shop. I start to reflect on myself again and again. I've got to use my brain over my feelings...
My phone beeps, I check on it; it's a message from Lukman. I read,
"Good morning my beautiful angel, the mother of my beautiful daughter. How was your night? Are you the only one at home? If so, should I come to pay a visit?"
"Speaking of the devil" I murmur.
Contemplating on whether to let him come over or not. Although I'm alone and feeling lonely, allowing him to be here alone with me isn't a good idea. If I trust myself, I don't trust Lukman. I text him back that I'm not the only one at home so he shouldn't come.
Days passing, he keeps asking to see me and I keep turning him down with different excuses. He keeps sweet talking me, sending me sweet text messages and smiles won't stop appearing on my face. I'm thinking I could give him a second chance to revive himself and be a good religious man; an ideal husband I always dream of. If he could, it would be an advantage to me; I would legalize my relationship with him and Mutmainah will have her siblings from her father. We could live together happily after!
"Now that your baby is 40 days old, it is in our custom to visit some people that are important to you. If not for money that is scarce on me, we supposed to celebrate it. So, who will you visit today?" Asks Ummy as she sits on my bed.
I carefully remove Mutmainah's mouth from the suckle so that she won't wake up.
"Is it a must?" I ask
"It isn't but you should, just to show appreciation. Just to like two or three people"
Thinking, "I will visit Idayah, she has been of great help. Also Abu Hanifa's family, Doctor Zubair and... I think that's all"
"What of Lukman's mother?"
"Ummmmy! I don't want to go there"
"Suit yourself then, I'm going to shop. I've dropped money for you inside my wardrobe, make sure you buy Mutmainah's diapers too"
I pray she will make much sales, she leaves.
I get up and take a shower. I interrupt Mutmainah's sleep and bath her. Afterward I dress her up in a beautiful new dress and a small baby skull cap. I open my wardrobe, thinking of which cloth to choose. Even though people will stare at me, people will glare at me, people will backbite about me, I still must look my very best so I won't be humiliated. I choose to wear one of the most expensive new native attire in my wardrobe; a dry lace, green coloured, sewed in a fish shaped gown style, adorned with beautiful embroideries.
Staring at my look in the mirror, I murmur, "Alhamdulillah and thanks to Ummy, I won't look so cheap today. However I will wear my qimar over it but wearing a nice cloth underneath builds one's confidence. I don't care about the way people will look at me but the way I dress is the way I will be addressed. Who knows where my foot will drive me to today?"
I'm now used to wearing long qimar and my brother has bought me more, thanks to Ummu Hanifa. I wear my socks, my shoes, back Mutmainah and carry my bag, we set out for Idayah's house. She has told me she would be around today when I called.
"Iya baby (baby's mother), welcome o" Idayah greets as I enter their gate.
Entering their sitting room I say teslim, Mar'yam rushes out of her room grinning. She carries Mutmainah from my back and I put off my qimar, it is very sunny today! I salute every sisters wearing qimar. It's not easy.
"Maa'sha'Allah I didn't know you use qimar. Ummu Mutmainah, you look like a princess! No no, you look like a Queen!"
I smile, I'm happy for the compliment, I'm happy that I'm appreciated by her!
"Thank you dear"
"Have your seat my friend Kikiope as your Ummu do call you. What will you eat?"
"That will be later, I've eaten"
"Okay let me get you a drink"
Idayah leaves the sitting room.
"Ummu Mutmainah, how much did you have your qimar sown? I want to be using it but Ummy and Abby are against it and I want to obey Allah to the fullest"
"This one you are using is enough. It's covering all your body so it's normal. If not my brother that insisted I should be using this, I prefer your way of dressing. It looks simple"
"So, you don't know full qimar is the best hijab that fulfils all the qualification of hijab as instructed by Allah and His messenger?"
"How?"
Idayahreturns with a soft drink, places it with a glass cup on the table before me. We both sit inquisitively to listen to what Mar'yam is about to say.
"As my school mother told us as per the evidences in the Qur'an wa sunnah, hijab must have seven qualifications which are..."
"One?" Idayah interrupts.
"One, it must cover all your body except your two hands and face although some scholars say it includes your hands and faces too and some scholars say covering your hands and face are optional especially if you fear to cause fitnah by exposing them. Two, it must be ample so that it conceals all your body shapes, all these contours. This is where my dressing you regard as normal fails, can't you tell the size of my buttocks in this?" She stands up, turning her body around.
It really shows her body shapes, no man will see this without wowing!
"But I think those qualities are for solat alone" I say.
"Not only for solat, there is this popular saying that says 'if you can't pray in it, don't wear it outside your house'. So three, it mustn't be of flashy colour so that it won't call for attention. Hijab is meant to conceal us not to expose us. Four, it should not resemble the clothes of men. Five, it shouldn't be adorned, hijabs of some people fail in this aspect, they embroidered it, they attach shiny stones to it, they attach different kind of ornaments to it, they beautify it when Allah says in suratul ahzab that we shouldn't display our ornaments but to cover them but we try to beautify that cover with what we are asked to cover. It doesn't make sense! Six, it shouldn't be perfumed. Many people's hijabs fail in this aspect too when hijab is to conceal you but you call all eyes on you by wearing perfume. The prophet s.a.w said 'Any woman who applies perfume and then goes out among the people so that they could smell her fragrance is a zaaniyah', zaaniyah means adultress! Women do this especially on the day of jumuah when Rasul s.a.w said 'Any woman who wears perfume then goes out to the mosque, so that the fragrance can be discerned, her prayers will not be accepted until she performs ghusl like the ghusl to be performed when in a state of janaabah.'..."
I interrupt, "my brother once told me of that hadith but hearing your explanation it is m clear to me now"
She continues, "the number seven is that it shouldn't be see-through, that is, it shouldn't be transparent or translucent but opaque. Many ready-made hijab sold to us in markets nowadays fail in this aspect because those that made it just want to earn their own profits so they use cheap cloth materials. A Muslimah should be weary of the type of the cloth material she uses for her hijab. And Rasul s.a.w said one of the accursed women is the one who is clothed but naked like my sister Idayah does, you know sometimes she would even put one baby napkin on her head, tie it around her neck on tight fitting cloth and she calls it hijab..."
Idayah cuts in, "are you now using me as an example?"
We both chuckle.
"I'm just saying sister, so you should heed"
"Na you sha be, as for me I can't wear anything hijab for now because I'm still in my prime. Maybe when I get married, I will start using it"
"And I won't stop telling you to use it. What if you die before you get married? If you were to be my younger sister, I would have imposed it on you" says Mar'yam.
"Imposing hijab on someone isn't a good idea because such peopls only uses it when they are around you and take it off when they are far from you. Also, they commit different act of sins with the hijab because they are forced to wear it and not that they are qualified to wear it."
"Yes it's true. My Ustaz at school used to tell us that our hijab shouldn't only be a physical reflection but we should let it reflect in our deeds, behavior and piety because that is what will make us good ambassadors of Islam. Therefore every Muslimah that summits to the will of Allah by observing hijab should ponder more upon its superiority. This is because people especially non Muslims see us as the definition of Islam... Now Ummu Mutmainah, tell me any other cloth that fulfils these qualities of hijab than this kind of beautiful qimar?"
I giggle while Idayah takes a deep sigh.
"None, in fact it is the best hijab on earth"
"Thank God I'm your elder Sister... So, enough of preaching. What will you eat my friend?"
"Gbagbagbagbagba...!" Someone banging the gate.
"Mar'yam, check on that person" says Idayah.
Before Mar'yam stands, the person shouts,
"It's fufu seller, aren't you buying fufu?"
"Alhamdulillah, we just cooked a fresh vegetable this morning with Titus fish and ponmo. Will you eat it with fufu?"
I nod.
Mar'yam tells the lady to wait while Idayah rushes inside to bring money. She steps outside and in a few seconds she hurries back inside,
"Mar'yam, Mar'yam" her sister and I answer at the same time.
"It's Tawa, Lukman's wife. Come and take a look at her" she hurries back outside.
I go to the window and open its fabricated aluminium glass. Idayah signals to me to come outside but I refuse.
Seeing the girl as she sells fufu to Idayah, remembering the story Lukman told me about her, I find it contradictory. She looks young and dull, can this type of girl really be a 'go-stop' girl?
ESCAPE FROM THE BOTTOMLESS PIT -
Episode 11
"Why didn't you come out?" Asks Idayah
"What should I come to do? I should tell her I'm the girl her husband impregnated and now I have his child?" I retort.
"Her husband? If he has become her husband then he is your husband too!"
"He isn't my own husband o, not yet sha! What do you even expect me to say to her?"
"I don't know, I just think you should have said something. At least anything you are curious about..."
I cut in, "I'm really curious about something..."
I narrate to them how Lukman came to beg Ummy, how I walked him to the junction, what happened, all he told me including what he told me about that girl, Tawa.
Mar'yam takes a sigh, "I'm sorry to intervene, I know I'm still a small girl and inexperienced... I can't say he wasn't telling you the truth but about that girl I mean the one that sold us fufu and just left, I don't think he was telling the truth about her!"
"I'm also thinking that" I say
"Why are you both thinking that?" Idayah asks.
"Can't you see she looks gentle and dull? When I saw her for the first time I thought she was just stressed out but seeing her now..." I shake my head
"You girls don't know anything! Although I can't say Lukman was telling you the whole truth, however you can't use gentleness to judge the exposure of a girl. Didn't I tell you about Gloria?"
"Still Gloria is different from this girl. Gloria was also gentle but one would have known from her dressing, her walks"
"Then you should have come out and confirmed that by yourself when I asked you to. Wait, sebi you haven't visited Lukman's mother?"
"Yes"
"Why don't you go there this evening?"
"I don't want to go jare"
"Ahah! You have to, I will accompany you"
"That will be better..."
"What about me?" Mar'yam asks
"We can't both leave the house. What if Mum returns?" Says Idayah.
"OK... But Ummu Mutmainah, don't feel offended with this question I'm about to ask..." I fix my gaze on her, preparing myself for her question. "I know you have some basic knowledge about Islam unlike this my Sister here, she is so uninformed and even stubborn to get informed..."
Idayah beats her on her laps, "you are now becoming too rude..."
"I'm sorry... I'm sorry..." She repeatedly says as she beats her.
"Idayah, leave the girl alone. Isn't she saying the truth?"
"If she is saying the truth, what audacity does she have to say that??"
"I'm sorry, ehn?... Back to what I've been saying. Ummu Mutmainah, didn't you know dating is haram? And also, even if it was a mistake, why with someone like that?"
The question hits me like a 50kg blow...!
"I said you are too rude! Don't worry, your own time is coming..."
I interrupt, "enough please, Idayah!" I lean forward on my seat, resting my elbows on my laps, "now, answers to your questions. I was told dating was haram but I never knew why until I've made the mistake. About Lukman, I'm still also wondering why it was him! Not that I couldn't see what he is but let's say I was blinded with love so I couldn't arrange the pieces to make a good judgement... At first, I wanted to keep it halal. You know, halal dating..." I giggle out of pity for myself and continue, "but now I've realized there is nothing like halal dating. All is just deception. I'm telling you this so you can learn and don't make such a mistake in your life. Now that I've found myself in the pit, I've been struggling to escape but I just keep going down. So I think it is bottomless!"
"Ahuzubillah! I forbid that for you, I know you will surely find your way back and I pray Allah guide you through"
"Ameen" I say aloud.
Idayah claps her hands in jest, "I don't understand why both of you are making a mountain out of a molehill. See my friend, you aren't the first person to make such a mistake on earth. Just have the focus then the sky will be your beginning."
"Don't worry Ummu Mutmainah, I will be putting you in my prayer. My school mother..."
Idayah interrupts, "my school mother again..."
I intrude, "hey please, let me hear her. I'm all ears dear"
"My school mother always lecture us on different topics including love. She told us females are fragile in nature, once we fall in love we become so dedicated and devoted. So she always says to us 'don't fall in love at the wrong time and with a wrong person'. Therefore when we are falling in love, we should put our brains before our hearts. Rightful love is sweet and pleasant while wrongful love is sour and painful. That is why I've made up my mind that once I'm able to fall in love, I'm getting married In'shaa'Allah!"
Idayah bursts into laughter, "marriage you said? You know Dad wants you to study medicine, so be expecting that after your first degree. Stop fantasizing my dear"
She snorts, "Don't worry sister, when the time comes you will see. You don't know parents expect much from their first child but less from their last child? Our sister, Zaynab is already preparing for hers. Just be praying I don't get married before you."
Idayah responds, "That isn't a curse, I will just advise you not to rush. Marriage is scary, you know?"
"Says who?" I ask.
"Says me!" Idayah replies.
We all laugh...!
"Mar'yam, you don't even ask of the outcome of my post UTME"
"I'm sorry dear, it escapes my mind. So what about it?"
Ecstatically she talks, "I scored 55% and Dad has already contacted his friends in the university so my admission is very sure!"
"Don't be sure instead you should say In'shaa'Allah sister. You aren't the controller of your destiny!" Mar'yam retorts.
"In'shaa'Allah! Mar'yam, I will also soon become a university student" she says excitedly.
"Alhamdulillah, I'm happy for you dear. In'shaa'Allah, I'm also planning to take next year JAMB examination. I've discussed it with Ummy"
We both discuss further about my plan and how I want to go about it with my daughter. Since I'm choosing the same university she is going to be admitted to, she promises to give me a helping hand in everything. She is my friend indeed!
"Have I gisted you about my new boyfriend?" Idayah asks.
"There she goes again! Boyfriend things! Sister Mi, I think your heart is strongly cemented because I don't understand why you are so stubborn to listen!" Mar'yam exclaims with concern.
"Abeg, leave my life alone! You will soon reach the age and you will understand how and why it isn't easy in this society we find ourselves"
"Olórun máá jèé (may God forbids)!"
"Ameen jare my sister, don't mind Idayah! You can do it okay? I believe there are sisters out there who aren't tainted till their marriage" I support.
"You should both be deceiving yourself. We shall see!" Says Idayah.
Idayah starts talking about her new boyfriend who promises her marriage. Zaynab hisses at her and goes inside her room saying she wants to sleep. I try to talk her out of dating but she just won't listen.
"Idayah, what am I going to do about you?"
Arriving at Lukman's house in the evening, Idayah and I alight from a bike in front of the house. This is the second time I'm entering this house but I feel nervous.
We make teslim to the house but we get no reply. We walk through the passage to the backyard where we see Tawa peeling cassavas. She welcomes us warmly and carries a bench for us to sit, with her in the backyard. Lukman's mother isn't around, she says. She offers to give us water which we politely decline. She continues with her peeling while Idayah pinches me to initiate a talk. I feel hesitant but I think this is the best time for us to talk.
"Sister Tawakalt, am I correct?" I ask.
She raises her head up to look at me, smiling "yes"
"Hope you know me?"
"Of course, I do. You once came here with your mother, I've also seen you today at that sister's house" pointing at Idayah, "moreover, Iya Wale has told me a lot about you."
Idayah and I look at each other. What possibly can she told her about me?
"Hope what she told you about me isn't negative?"
"Ahah! No, just some facts like when you were pregnant. When she came to visit you and other things, nothing more"
She gives quick responses to my questions while she continues with her peeling, it is as if she has been expecting them. I think she is better than what I thought of her...
Idayah whispers in my ears, "time is going, ask on time before Lukman's mother arrives"
I ask Idayah to stand up, I draw the bench closer to her. She looks up, wondering what I'm about to do. I see a spare knife lying on the cassava peels so I lean forward and pick it up. I start peeling the cassavas with her. Idayah pinches me again but I ignore.
"Thank you" Tawa smiles at me.
After peeling five cassavas, I continue to peel and focus my gaze at the cassava.
"Do you know I was also impregnated by Lukman? I learnt he impregnated you too" I softly ask
"Do you mean brother Lukman? I know"
I can hear Idayah chuckling to her response; she even calls him brother out of respect!
"Can you please tell me how you met Lukman and how you end up getting pregnant" I gently ask.
"Will you tell me yours too?" She asks.
I nod even though I'm not sure if I want to.
Idayah buries her face in her palms, I'm sure she is laughing at our conversations.
"Hnn... We met three years ago on our street, Olorunsogo. He 'toast' me and I agreed so I started to love and depend on him. I came from a family of six children; four females, two males, I'm the third child. We aren't rich neither are we poor but my parents care less for the females' education and more for the males'. So most times I wasn't given what I needed at school because they thought our education is insignificant to them. So our brothers are always prioritized over us. You should know about brother Lukman's generous attitude, anytime I ask him of any amount of money even if he didn't have it at hand that moment, he would promise me. So I grew to love him more and gave him everything he asked for, you understand what I mean? After all I was his girlfriend. When I discovered he has many girlfriends, I became so worried but a friend encouraged me by saying, 'no guy is single, it's either you snatch him from someone or share him with someone. You should just try to be the highest shareholder'. What a crazy quote! In short, I gave him this thing days and nights, anytime he wanted it trying to be the highest bidder, you know?" She smiles, radiating her beauty, "And one day I was tormented at home so I was desperate to leave that house. After we had sex and he gave me the pregnancy preventing drug, I discreetly dropped it and pretended I used it because I thought I will become his completely once I'm pregnant. When I became pregnant, my parents didn't even think twice before sending me here, it was like to them, a burden has been lifted. After I came here, I realized that to him, I was just a sex object and a poor girl who needed assistance. I decided to leave a month after I gave birth to Abdulwaris but his Mum insisted I stay till Abdulwaris becomes a year old. He is now a year plus and I'm leaving soon."
"To where" I ask.
"Either I go to Lagos, PortHarcout or Calabar. I have friends hustling there, even they are already expecting me. I will make sure I gather some money and come home to establish my own business. I will then leave Lukman for good... You don't need to tell me about yours, I was just joking. I've already known a lot about you. I happened to always overheard your Mum and Iya Wale's conversations whenever she came. I really envy you, if I had such an opportunity as yours, maybe I would become a better person. Some people see me as dull, fool even stupid, including brother Lukman but I know what I'm doing. They never know that it is my circumstance tying me down!"
I take a deep sigh and Idayah sighs along with me. I look at Idayah who has picked up a knife and join us in peeling the cassava.
"You've made a good decision and I will like to add some words I heard from my counselor. He said 'do not let your problem be in control of you, try to turn around the situation and be in control of your problem'. I pray Allah guide you"
We all chorus "Ameen"
"It's really nice talking to you" she says, smiling.
If she receives proper care, she would have been a very beautiful girl. I'm now pitying her than I do for myself, yet she is planning ahead and has the courage to move on alone, by herself. I envy her in that aspect!
Now I know Lukman didn't tell me the whole truth! He was dating her while dating me, who knows how many ladies he used to have sex with when I was dating him, I even thought I was the only one... To while away the time, Idayah starts asking her about how to make fufu. We have some gossip till Lukman's mother arrives. I'm amazed with the way Tawa interacts with us, as if we've known before. In fact, I had expected less!
I receive a message from Doctor Zubair early after fajr solat to come for Mutmainah's check up. I had it in mind to visit him and his family by the weekend but it seems I will have to postpone that. I dress up for Mutmainah and myself and leave for the hospital.
"Maa'sha'Allah! Our baby has increased in both weight and length. In fact she is in 60 percentile, very steady" says Doctor Zubair.
I watch him as he performs some physical examination on her; checking her eyes, ears, mouth, belly, thighs... Muttering "Good! Good" as he checks. He keeps asking me different questions about her; her feeding rate, crying rate, her sleeping rate, her faeces and many more. He moves her leg around, I become afraid thinking it could break.
"I'm doing this to check her hip joints, do you think I might uproot her leg? Don't worry you will understand better when you finally become a nurse, I'm verily looking forward to that" he smiles at me, I feel happy... "You've been taking good care of her I must commend you. Her bellybutton is also healing fast, well-done. She is getting enough breast milk so she doesn't need vitamin D supplement. Mind you, feed her nothing but breast milk and water for six months before introducing any formula to her meal, I will even prefer you to give her local meals like oatmeal, soybeans meal and others. Start placing her on her tummy sometimes when she is awake so as to make her strong and to help her motor skills and make sure she keeps her head up like this..." He lays Mutmainah on her tummy and continues, "it will also help her learn to push up, sit up and others... Now I will give her a hepatitis B shot"
Preparing the shot, he says "Mar'yam, hope you are progressing?"
Although I don't understand what he meant, I reply, "yes sir"
"You mean you aren't stagnant but flowing?"
"Yes sir"
"Good, you just have to! By all means, heard that boy is back and I hope you will make a better judgement for yourself. I pray Allah protect you, wish you luck dear"
Since I've returned from the hospital, Mutmainah has been refusing to stay long in bed and hardly accepts suckling. Ever since I've given birth to her, today is becoming the most hectic day for me. I manage to perform my maghrib solat and start awaiting Ummy's return. She has said her returning today is a probability depending on if she is able to buy all her goods in time. I've been trying her number but it has not been reachable.
I back Mutmainah and start pacing the house singing different lullabies. Her crying starts becoming louder and unbearable for me, who am I going to call to come to my aid by this time? I try doctor Zubair's number but he isn't picking up, he might be busy. I remove her from my back, wrap her in a cloth and try to suckle her again but she keeps refusing it. I start singing and dancing, I even dance without singing. I give her baby paracetamol syrup thinking she is in pain because of the injection but she keeps crying louder and louder. I'm confused, I don't know what is happening to her. She can't talk, the only language she understand to express herself now is crying, how will I know what is wrong?
I'm about to start crying when I hear a knock. I open the door expecting it to be Ummy or someone that could help; maybe a neighbour or passerby. But I'm disappointed, it is Lukman!
"I've been hearing her crying from the junction, what is happening?"
Perturbed, I reply "I don't know o, this is the first time she will be doing this to me o. I don't know!"
He collects her from me, hangs her on his shoulder and pats her back but she continues crying.
"Okay, let's do this. Has she bathed?"
"No, I'm so confused since afternoon. I can't even think straight."
"Don't be, I will hold her for you. Prepare her bath first"
I quickly run inside the kitchen to get water, mix it with warm water...
"Make sure it isn't too warm" he instructs.
I collect Mutmainah from him and bath her. The noise starts reducing, maybe because she is bathing. After the bathe, she is still crying but not as loud as before. I dress her up and put her on my back. Lukman helps me hold the baby wrapper at my back while I roll it to tie at the front, tightening it with oja (cloth tied on stomach).
We step outside the house for fresh air while dancing with my legs vigorously, singing lullabies... In the next five minutes, the noise finally dies down. She is now peacefully sleeping!
"You should know now that I have the potential to be a good father. I've helped you to put her to sleep"
"Thank you but I did the work" I sharply reply.
"I worked too, if I haven't surfaced I guess you would be crying along with her by now"
We both burst into laughter! Laughing aloud, a bike descends in front of us. It is my brother, brother Abdullah. He alights from the bike while I quickly hurry to collect his bag. He glares at Lukman and me and shakes his head. Hope I haven't gotten myself into another trouble!
MUSLIM YOUTH FORUM ©2017
Watch out for *WILL HE LOVE ME*
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